


Cursed to be obedient

by Ramen_and_Manuscripts



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, mildsuggestionsofselfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2020-03-30 01:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 35,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19031740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramen_and_Manuscripts/pseuds/Ramen_and_Manuscripts
Summary: Virgil has to follow any direct order he is given by people who know his name. He's gotten through most of high school by flying under the radar, lonely but safe, until his cousin Logan and his friends decide to take him under their wings.Patton has a secret. No one can find out. Especially not his boyfriend and resident love of his life, Logan.Roman thinks that obedient kid is cute and he wants to make him his own, but he's not sure how.Logan is just along for the ride, to be completely honest.Yeah it's basically a high school au, but with a twist.(Give it a chance please it gets better I swear)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading and let me know if you like it so I can know to keep posting. Thanks!

“Hey, Virge!”

Virgil pauses at the sound of his name- vaguely recognizing the voice of one of the most popular kids in the school... Why the hell would Patton Hart want to talk to him? Virgil doesn’t turn his head, in fear of what would happen if they made eye contact. He knows that not only Patton will be there if he looks. Patton’s best friend (who also happens to be Virgil’s cousin)- Logan Sanders will be hanging off his arm. And of course, Roman Prince. He’s exceedingly annoying.

No.

None of the above would have any reason to talk to Virgil. Who would want to associate with that one obedient emo?

They don’t want to talk to him- they want to make fun of him- make him do something he doesn’t want to do. Of course.

Virgil starts walking again, pretending as if he only stopped to change the song on his phone.

“Yo! Les Miserables! Over here!” Virgil’s head snaps in his direction… Roman’s already making fun of him.

Virgil can’t pretend he can’t hear them- he’s already given himself away. Logan simply beckons him forward with a single finger.

“Dammit.” Virgil spits, his body jerking forward as if the gesture was an order.

(It was)

“Hello Logan.” Virgil mutters, glaring daggers at the man who gave up his name, and therefore his freedom, to the enemy. 

“ ‘lo, Virge.” Logan shoots a crooked grin at the obedient as if he couldn’t feel Virgil mentally stabbing him- again and again and again-

Virgil doesn’t return it.

His smile drops a bit. “You okay?”

“Yes.” Virgil lies through his teeth, fiddling with a paperclip inside his hoodie pocket. He clears his throat “Did you need anything, sir?”

Patton gasps and hits Logan over the head with the book he was reading. 

Logan yelps in surprise, rubbing the back of his head. “What?”

 

Patton looks at Virgil with something akin to pity and then leans over to whisper to Logan, his lips too close to his cousin’s ear. He was trying to shield his words from Virgil, but he could hear them clearly. “You said you didn’t-”

“I don’t!” Logan snaps, flustered. “Virgil, what the hell?”

“You never talk to me at school, Lo. Obviously you and your friends want something from me, or you wouldn’t be associating with me in the first place.” Virgil pauses, “Sir.”

“No.” Patton says gently, “We just wanted to talk to you, Kiddo. You seemed...lonely.”

Virgil isn’t convinced. “What do you want from me?”

Logan flushes even more, looking genuinely confused. “No, Virgil- we don’t want anything from you.”

“Speak for yourself.” Roman mutters, snapping a picture of the situation, no doubt sending streaks or something equally useless.

“We don’t.” Patton restates firmly. “Roman’s just being silly.”

“Sure you do.” Virgil hisses, “You might as well spit it out so we can get this over with. Sir.”

“Stop calling us that, Virgil.” Virgil doesn’t think Logan realizes that this is an order, and a bubbling feeling of what Virgil thinks is “pissed off” expands within him, but is more like frustration. He hates this. It isn’t fair.

“Okay.” 

He still doesn’t move, stubbornly staring at the ground.

Patton sighs.

…

Roman speaks next. He says, “Come here, Virgil.”

Virgil comes. 

“Sit.”

He sits.

“Okay, from now on you’ll sit at our table for lunch. And if anyone screws around with you, you’re to tell us so we can stop it.”

“Okay.”

“Good boy.” Roman says, patting his arm. Virgil stares at his hands, the praise blossoming in his chest like blood staining water. It’s beautiful- yet disgusting. 

Though it felt good to follow orders again(his mother had blatantly refused to order Virgil to do anything- always asking him instead of telling him), he felt like an animal- or a little kid- the way they were talking to him. But they told him to sit so he will sit- it doesn’t seem as if they’re trying to make fun of him or anything.

So he settled in, and Patton and Logan delved deep into conversation (Logan word-barfing all over Patton, and Patton smiling and agreeing), and Roman turned to him.

Roman scares Virgil. He tries to meet his eyes, but the sheer thought of this brings an embarrassed redness to his cheeks. He looks down. Roman stares at him. Virgil doesn’t want to open his phone because he knows that whatever he does on it, Roman will watch and he really doesn’t want him to see anything on his phone under any circumstance- so he takes to picking at his cuticles.

“Don’t you have a lunch?”

“No.” Virgil doesn’t eat lunch. He doesn’t eat much of anything, to be honest.

Roman wordlessly hands him a bag of crackers.

Virgil eats them.

All nice actions have an ulterior motive. 

The three tried their best to include him in their conversation. He didn’t even try to respond until Roman told him to. He started to try.

Why are they doing this? Why are they trying to be nice to him? They want something, but what is it? What can he give them? Another order from Roman? Not too long before he’s not allowed to do anything he usually would anymore. Until he’s a different person. 

“Relax, Virgil.” Roman places his hand on Virgil’s bouncing knee, bringing it to a stop.

Virgil tried to count how many orders Roman’s thrown his way in the half an hour he’s been sitting next to him- but he got distracted and lost it. Maybe ten?  
Despite this, Virgil found himself smiling- smiling- by the end of the period. This illusion of friends must be getting to his brain.

…

Yeah.

Patton leans over to ruffle the obedient’s hair as he stands up across from him- ready to head off to his next class. “You’re a good kid, Virge.”

Logan smiles at him. This time, he returns it.

Roman says. “Remember to meet us here tomorrow.”

“Yes-” The unsaid word hangs in the air.

“You can call me sir, Virgil.”

“Yes sir.” 

“Goodbye.”

“Mhm.”

Virgil watches him walk away- waiting until he turns the corner to start walking in the opposite direction.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far!!

“I can’t believe I liked him.” Roman groans, collapsed on Logan’s bed. Logan pats the top of his head awkwardly.

“Why is that?” Patton asks disapprovingly as if he’s already heard the answer.

“He’s obedient.” Roman replies easily, Patton lets out a puff of breath. “He’s hot- but he’s just- pathetic. All obedients are just so pathetic. They blush when you tell them to do something and get depressed if you don’t order them around enough.”

“Virgil seems like a good kid, Roman. He wasn’t pathetic.”

“I concur, Roman.” Logan says, “Most obedients are exceedingly clingy and yes, pathetic, but I grew up with Virgil. He’s pretty “chill”. Did I use that word correctly?”

No one answers his question.

Patton’s more concerned with the beginning of his statement. “How many obedients do you know? How can you just- judge them like that?”

“I only know Virgil and Dex...but I know of others.”

“See?”

“Dex is a jerk.”

“No- if you only got to know them maybe you wouldn’t think that!”

“Come on. They’re only obedients.”

“How can you say that about your cousin?!”

“I didn’t. I just said he was chill.”

“Stop, guys. “ Roman interjects, Patton’s retort dies in his throat, his mouth shutting like a trap. “Why do you care so much, anyway?”

Patton quiets, his voice lowered to a whisper. “Did you see how scared he was? Of us? I don’t ever want anyone to be that scared of me ever again. It shows how horrible people like...us, are to people like- him.”

Logan blinks. “I suppose.”

“...so you’re saying I should go for it?”

Patton looks taken aback for a moment before nodding. “I mean-if you like him- of course you should."

“I- I don’t know. I just thought he was hot.”

“Okay, well-”

“I’m going for it.”

“Okay.”

Roman’s eyes roam the room, while he pats his pockets. He spots what he’s looking for on Logan’s nightstand.

“Patton, grab my phone.” Patton pulls out of Logan’s newly established embrace to grab the phone and toss it across the room. Logan whines in complaint. 

“I could have gotten that.”

“It’s ‘kay, Logan.” 

“You are too nice for your own good, Mr. Hart.” Logan mutters, bringing him back into his arms.

“Yeah.” Patton mutters, “I guess.”

...............

Logan walks around the car to open the door for Patton. Patton accepts the hand that he extends.

Logan always brings Patton home because he never learned to drive. Logan doesn’t ask why. Patton wouldn’t tell him if he did.

“Thanks again, Lo.” Patton smiles, pecking the other on the cheek. 

Logan blushes and murmurs a response. Patton doesn’t really hear him. His smile is slipping.

Only when Logan’s car is out of sight does he drop the smile and turn to open the door.

“Dad?” He yells into the dark house, “I’m back!”

He’s met with silence. Patton scowls in an attempt to prevent his tears. “Of course you’re not here. When are you ever here?”

Patton trudges to the bathroom- pulls off all of his bracelets adorning his arms and puts his wrist under hot water. He’s not bothered by the burning. It feels almost refreshing.

Patton rubs at the foundation covering his mark- his name in little purple faded letters. It’s to let the ones who don’t know his name take advantage of his obedience. He used to think it was cool that he had a tattoo until he didn’t...until his dad made him cover it up and told him to never tell anybody who he really was. Next month his dad has scheduled an appointment to get it removed by some sketchy parlor out in Oakland that was known for keeping secrets. If you had enough cash, anyway.

Patton's dad definitely does.

Patton’s fascinated by the way other obedients at his school would cover their marks. They always do- all the obedients he’s seen he doesn’t know by name. He don’t think they even tell each other. 

Some would wrap medical tape around it- some would splurge and buy a specially made cuff with a keypad. He noticed that Virgil didn’t wear anything- his skin scarred to the point that his name was unrecognizable. Patton would hide in plain sight- surrounded by popular friends where everyone knows his name. Since everyone already knows, there is no danger, he supposes, unless someone sees his mark. If they do, well…

People think it’s funny when they tell obedients to kiss someone else’s girlfriend.

People think it’s funny when they tell obedients to go to school in their underwear.

People think it’s funny when they tell obedients to kill themselves.

Patton digs his fingernail into his skin until it draws blood- and draws a line of red across his name.

Patton knows that he’s next.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks to everyone who's read this so far, I really appreciate that and the feedback I've been getting! Let me know how you like this next chapter!
> 
> TW: very minor mentions of self harm. 
> 
> Stay safe dudes :D

It’s painful, come lunchtime the next day, but Virgil wanders through the hallways as slowly as possible on his way to the cafeteria. Prolonging the journey doesn’t fall into the category of disobeying, as long as he gets there eventually, never stopping his trek towards his objective. If he does- the pain will be unbearable. He likens it to being stabbed with a million needles all at once- he’s felt it once- he never wants to feel it again.

As he shuffles along, he rubs his wrist. His name is no longer discernible, but now that Roman and Patton know his name- was all that pain for nothing? His mother didn’t have the money to remove it-(and she never will), so Virgil took it upon himself to make sure no one would ever see it. The mark is tiny, miniscule, so easy to hide. It must be a millimeter in length, and half that in width. Everyday, another cut. Everyday, closer to being free. Until Logan spilled the beans- he was home free. Now that he has, now that they’ve already yelled his name across the courtyard and no doubt talked about him with their friends, he was good as holding a sign that proclaimed-

“I am Virgil Sanders! Come, do as you wish!”

The cafeteria door comes into view. The table he is doomed to be seated at any moment now is smack dab in the middle.

Please no- please let him stop- there are so many people-

He approaches the table, as was inevitable, half scared that they’d send him away, half hoping that they would.

“Hi!” Patton beams at him. There more than just the three sitting here this time. The table is full, except for one seat that happened to be located next to Roman. Virgil grimaces involuntarily. No one except for Patton has noticed him. Could he just- 

He slides his foot backwards and yelps at the sudden pain that shoots through his heel like lightning.

That makes the people at the table notice him- that’s a great way to introduce yourself Virgil. Good job, buddy. You freaking suck at life.

The people eye him with distaste. He mentally begs the three to not greet him with his name. He slides his left hoodie sleeve down.

Logan clears his throat. “This is my cousin, Frank.”

Frank? What the actual-

Roman stifles a laugh.

“Can I leave now?” Virgil mutters, his face red.

“No.” Roman says, patting the seat next to him. “I saved a seat for you.”

 

The table is clear in front of his seat except for a bag of crackers. He pockets them. 

This lunch wasn’t as enjoyable as the previous one. The girl on his left grabbed his arm in an attempt to see his name- “Show me your wrist.”

Virgil laughs quietly, clutching his wrist with a steel grip. He’s decided from now on that he’s going to put his marked wrist on Roman’s side, just in case. “That’s not how it works.”

“I knew your name wasn’t Frank. Who’s ever heard of an edgy Frank?”

The dude across the table wouldn’t stop kicking Virgil’s feet. Virgil doesn’t even think he was doing it on purpose- it was just so annoying.

And throughout the whole lunch, Roman had his hand on his knee.

It was all too much. If he could have left he would have. His fight or flight reflexes were running in overdrive- but he couldn't do either so his brain was racing faster than usual- he could feel, hear, smell everything heightened by ten.

When the bell rang, Virgil got the heck out of there before anyone could protest.

………………..

Roman’s family is predominantly obedient. His mom and his dad, his younger sister and his older brother. Only he and his older sister aren’t, and she’s already off in college. Obedients can order each other to do things. They just don’t count it as an order. They can resist. It only “stings” as his mother tried to explain to him, if they disobey, and it doesn’t “feel the same” to follow it.

So Roman has to order his family around to keep them healthy. He hates it. He hates that he has to let his mother and father go work, and he hates that he has to let his siblings go to school- it’s dangerous for them. His younger sister is only five and there will come a day where she needs to defend her name and she won’t be able to.

He’s scared.

So it’s not like he doesn’t like or doesn’t understand obedients- he just doesn’t want to be responsible for another one. 

The problem is- Virgil is adorable. If he can protect him- well- he’s the only one he can protect. If he protects him then maybe it can make up for the times he can’t protect his own family.

Roman could say that he doesn’t enjoy being the hero- but then he’d be lying.

That’s a big part of it as well.

…………..

Logan isn’t very good with emotions. Logan isn’t very good with social cues. Logan says things that turns other people off from him, he knows. Roman’s told him. 

He’s- strange.

He doesn’t know when he’s acting weird because he wasn’t aware he was acting weird in the first place. It confuses him.

One thing is certain in Logan’s mind, however, and that’s Patton. Patton and him had been friends since freshman year of high school. Patton and him had been boyfriends since sophomore year. 

Patton doesn’t act as if he’s being weird or saying weird things. He acts as if he loves him, and he does, and that’s perfect.

..........


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :D Thanks to everyone for reading so far and remember to let me know hat you think of it!!
> 
> TW: Mentions of suicide

Virgil’s dread is overwhelming. Well, it always is, but today is the “obedient support group” thing that all obedient students are forced to go to once a month. It’s hosted by a regular guidance counselor, an obedient one wouldn’t work, they tell us because apparently they need a force to make sure that they don’t run away. Obedients rarely get jobs like that anyways, Virgil recalls only one, that he quite likes for the record, he’s really good. 

None of the obedients want this. It’s worse because the mediator knows all their names because they’re on school record. They’re at the mercy of this woman. 

It’s been about two weeks since he’d became friends(?) with Roman, Logan, and Patton, and he’s slowly began to trust a little more. He talks, sometimes, and after lunch in which Roman talked at him about his drama auditions that he’s having after school today, and also tried to convince him to be a techie, Virgil trudged very slowly down to the guidance office, falling in step with another obedient he’s somewhat familiar with. Friends, maybe, if you want to take it that far. Virgil doesn’t know her name, but he’s named her Kristine in his mind. It’s his favorite girl’s name, and she’s very pretty. She deserves the name, even if she doesn’t know that’s who she is to him. 

He may have had a crush on her a while back. 

She smiles bitterly at him. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You okay? You look-”

“Anxious?” Virgil laughs. “You don’t look so hot yourself.”

“I just- I wanna skip so bad. You wanna skip?” Her golden eyes plead with him, they weren’t technically ordered to come down here, but Virgil doesn’t like testing the system. They hold so much control over him. Them.

So he looks away. “No. Can’t. I was told to come down.”

“Yeah. I thought so. We’d be in big trouble, anyways.” She shudders, hugging her bare arms to her chest “It’s never a good idea to piss off the government.”

“I wish- that we could just-” Virgil can’t find the words, but Kristine smiles sympathetically.

“I know.”

 

She pushes open the door with her shoulder, charging into the room like the force of energy that she is. 

“Hello, students.” The guidance counselor says pointedly, making sure that they notice how trustworthy she is, look guys, you can trust us, we have your name but we won’t use it because we’re trustworthy. You can trust us.

“Good morning.”

They sit in metal folding chairs, haphazardly organized into a circle. Virgil ignores the “pre session discussion” that the counselor likes to try to make them engage in while the rest of the obedients filter in, rather choosing to cross his arms and slouch in his chair moodily.

She likes to bring in current event articles and pass them around and make them talk about it, mostly articles about obedient rights ( the #obedientnotyourservant movement is big in places like New York and D.C. right now), mostly touchy subjects that high school obedients would rather not speak to a non-obedient person with power over them about.

Finally, the last of them arrive, filling in the last chair. The counselor claps her hands together. “Okay! Welcome, students, to this month’s session of group! You will not leave until I dismiss you.”

They call it group, like it’s therapy, like they’re broken of their own accord, not because of the people controlling them.

“Today we have some very topical issues to cover.”

Kristine widens her eyes at Virgil, leg bouncing. Virgil emotes back with the same amount of exasperation.

“And all of you will contribute your opinion.”

An order. Of course.

“The board has proposed a...solution to a lot of your problems.”

Sure.

“We were thinking that maybe obedients such as yourself all adopt code names so we can stop calling attendance by number! I know that you all feel like you were being dehumanized, and the students that aren’t obedient are getting annoyed with having to remember their number!”

It’s always about them, isn’t it?

“So what do you guys think?”

Some kid with a green streak in his dark hair speaks up. “Bullshit.”

“Don’t say that.” The lady says, he shuts his mouth.

“What about you?” She gestures at Virgil. 

“Honestly, Ma’am, I don’t know. It’s better than the numbers, I suppose.”

He was number 21.

“I agree,” she nods, “I agree.” 

“But the problem still stands of the teachers abusing the knowledge of the names. They shouldn’t know at all, as well as the students.”

“Let’s focus on the students for now-”

“No.” A petite brown girl with unruly curls pipes in “That’s only half of a huge problem. The fact that the government makes us get the tattoos at all is problematic- it’s 2019 and that rule was established in early america, made for the sole purpose for people like us to be made public servants. The narrative people like you are presenting is against that- so why is it still happening? Why don’t you listen?”

“Jayden Milligan jumped off a bridge because his algebra teacher told him to.” The boy with the green hair drawls. “Things like that happen every day because of irresponsible adults employed by the government that have our names. I think only we should possess our names, and only we can choose who we give it to.”

“The problem with that is-”

“What?” Kristine asks quietly, “That you won’t have control any more? You won’t be able to stop us from leaving the room simply by saying three words? Would it be too much work for you to deal with us in the same way that you deal with everyone else?”

“Or is it just convenient for you to have utter control over half of the school? No effort required?”

The lady’s lips quirk upward, but it’s more of a grimace than a smile, “No. We strive to make your lives more-”

“So you trap us in here-”

“Order us to stay? Order us to say what you want us to?”

“Yeah!”

“Pretend to help us just to get us farther under your power. Well I won’t let you.”

“Me either.”

“Or me!”

“Yeah!”

A chorus of voices rises, almost every obedient in the room singing their own grievances at the counsellor, who by the second, looks more and more agitated.

“ENOUGH! Everybody stop.” 

At her outburst, everyone who had risen in their passion sits back down, mouths figuratively sewn shut.

 

“There will be no more of that. Everyone will be back here next month with a codename of their choice. You are dismissed.”

They were out of there faster than she could blink.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my school’s lighting designer/director for trying in vain to teach me how to work the lights- now I can somewhat accurately describe it in writing(which is always good). I’m sure that if he read this then he’d tell me I’m way off but it’s better than it would have been if I didn’t know anything- but don’t ask me how the sound works because I have no idea. Again, thank you so so much for reading,

After lunch the next day, Roman had “convinced” Virgil to attend the second day of tryouts for his show. Logan had helped.

“We could sit in the light booth and observe from afar, If you would so prefer, Virgil. I know you don’t enjoy socializing-”

“Logan.” Patton nudges him gently, Logan turns red. “What he means is that you like your space. Logan works the sound board, don’t you honey?”

Logan, redder still, nods.

“I don’t act either, but I help with makeup tech week.” Patton shrugs, “And I bake stuff for the actors and crew. And I’m a very good clapper.”

“Indeed you are, my Patton-cake-” Roman smiles down at the three, “Logan’s also very adept at Lighting, but he can’t do both light and sound, and our Lighting engineer left last year and we could sure use another one. Virgil?”

“I mean-” Virgil flinches at the use of his name, feeling very ganged up on by the drama department. “I can try.”

“Wonderful!” Roman smiles. Virgil’s lips quirk in response. “Let’s go! Pocket calculator will sit with you in the light booth and you can mess with the board or whatever.”

“Don’t mess with the board. I’ll show you how to use it properly, Virgil.”

“Alright.” (Sometimes he realizes he can’t win, and that they’ll order him to do things without even knowing).

So they set off, an interesting crew, a nerd, an actor, the nicest kid ever, and that one obedient- off to the auditorium. Roman bounds off to grab sheets from the front of the stage, and then comes back to hand them to the three remaining. “Just fill these out and put them in that folder over there. You could technically leave, but you can also hang out- if you want-”

Roman's eyes shine hopefully at him.

“Alright.”

“Cool.”

Roman joins his loud friends on the stage and Patton sits in the seats. Virgil retreats with Logan to the back of the auditorium, up the steps, and into the soundproof little box. It immediately calms him down a bit, even if Logan is right there, breathing, existing. He doesn’t seem to have bad intentions, none of them(except for maybe Roman, he can’t tell) , but having- like…friends? No. Having friend-ish people in his life is weird. Even Logan, who he’s known all of his life, had barely cared about him until now. For once he’s not doing everything alone.

“Do you know how to work lights?”

“No.”

Logan smiles. “Okay. I’ll help you.”

But first he fills out his sheet.

Name:

Uh

Name: Logan’s cousin

Age: 16

Email: email.email@email.com

Role? Crew, lighting.

Logan takes it from him and fills out the rest.

Virgil looks around the booth. Its small and black, but well lit, and in front of him are two panels strewn with switches, buttons, and tiny blinking lights. Next to the panel on his side of the booth is a monitor with well organized numbers and words that Virgil doesn't understand in the slightest.

Logan hands Virgil back his sheet and he looks at it resignedly. “Thanks.”

Logan smiles but Virgil can't read what it means. The silence stretches for a while, well- not silence because the actors are yelling at the top of their lungs, but Virgil mutters- “So how do you do this?” to break whatever spell it is anyway.

Logan's face goes back to normal, which happens to be an expression of intense concentration, and he asks Virgil to move back. He does.

“The lights are still focused from the last show.” He mutters, “But it still works.”

He yells “going dark” and snuffs out all the lights with a master switch on the wall, leaving the particularly dramatic screaming on the stage. And then he brings up softer stage lights that illuminates the stage enough for the actors to see.

“Okay.” he gestures to the board. “there's four things you need to know. Dimmers, patches, addresses, and channels.”

“Uh- okay?” Virgil nods 

“Dimmers are these things, the switches you always see in the movies.” He brings up one of them, a single light shows up on the corner of the the stage, and comes back down with the switch. “They quite literally dim the lights, well, control the brightness”

“Alright.”

“Each dimmer has an address, simply put, the particular light each has a place where it is controlled from” He demonstrates again, bringing up and down the light.” Each light has its own address, unless if it moves, then it may have more than one.Understand?”

“Yes.” No.

“Okay, channels are what allow us to control all of this from the board. Our channels are controlled through this number pad, here” Logan types in a cue and a light appears center stage, “but we can assign cues to certain buttons during the show so you won’t have to worry about it.”

“Okay.”

“Finally,” Logan smiles, “Are patches. Now, there is soft patching and hard patching.”

“Oh god.” Virgil groans.

“No, it’s not that complicated.” Logan smirks.

“Says you, you- Mr., uh, Big. words.”

“You’ll get it, you’ve been listening very nicely, and the more you actually work with the lights it’s easier to understand. I promise.”

“It’s just- aren’t addresses and channels literally the same thing?”

“Nope. Let me finish and then we’ll be done, I promise. You’re doing great.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Patching is basically a way of connecting adjacent dimmers, channels and circuits together so controlling them from the board is logically easier. Hard patching is what we still have to do but most newer theaters don’t. It’s when we physically plug them into each other in that scary looking tangle of wires in the wings. Soft patching is when we just tell the computer to do it and we don’t have to do it manually. However, we generally have to do both. Yeah?”

“Yeahhh.” Virgil nods, not really following. “Totally.”

Logan brings the lights back up. “That’s all I’ll tell you today. Good job, Virgil.”

“Don’t tell me that yet, I’ll probably break someth-”

“Shh, look! Roman’s singing.” Logan smiles softly, watching him. Virgil, who’s head had turned sharply at “look”, stares.

He is good, Virgil supposes. He moves his face a bunch when he sings, but Virgil supposes if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to see the expressions he was trying to get across when so far away. He’s really good.

“He’s good, isn’t he?” Logan says softly.

“Yeah.” Virgil replies, looking back down at his nails. The black nail polish is chipping. He decides that he’s going to repaint them later.

“He really wants the lead this year. He’s never gotten one in a musical and he’s been trying for two years. I think maybe this time he’ll get it.”

“Yeah.”

“Virgil, are you alright?” Logan cocks his head, “I have been wanting to make you feel more comfortable around me but I feel as if I haven’t been helping at all.”

“You’re fine, Logan. I’m fine. I’m just-” Virgil looks up at Roman again, “Confused. I guess. Tired. Kind of want to die.”

“What?” Logan sounds alarmed. 

Virgil grunts a laugh, “I’m mostly kidding.”

Logan huffs. “I do not enjoy when you guys talk like that.”

“You know? I don’t get it. I don’t get you. Why do you care all of the sudden?” Virgil blurts out, and then he cover his mouth. “Sorry.”

Logan sighs and turns to face Virgil. “Because I’ve gotten to know you. I apologize for not trying before. I care about you, I -well- I always have, but more so now that we’re proper friends. I-” He sighs, “What I mean to say is, can we start over? I want you to trust me. I want you to know that I trust you.” 

Logan slowly reaches out to touch Virgil’s wrist with two fingers. Virgil shivers at the touch. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Logan- I-”

At that moment Patton opens the door to the booth, beaming. “Hey guys! Did you-”

Logan launches himself backwards and Virgil straightens up.

“Oh. Sorry.” Patton looks sheepish. “Well, shucks- I ruin everything, don’t I?”

“No, Darling, you do not.” Logan smiles warmly, “what were you saying?”

Virgil leans back, exhaling deeply. He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath. But he did realize that he cares about Logan.

That’s definitely not good.

Patton and Logan talk about Roman’s singing audition for awhile, and Patton ends up in Logan’s lap and Virgil is dissociating. 

“How are you- uh- liking lighting, hon?” Patton regards Virgil, snapping him out of whatever spell he’s in.

“I- I like it.” He doesn’t really understand it but he likes the fact that he's going to have a responsibility, a clear cut job to complete- and the knowledge that he can do it well if he tries hard enough at it. He likes things like that. Problems and mechanisms aren't like icky human interactions and well trod on traditions that always cause unpredictable situations. That's why he likes math so much. Everything is predictable. Everything is simply complex. 

Patton smiles warmly. “I’m glad. The crew is a great bunch of people. You’ll love them.”

Virgil isn’t so sure about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing your comments- they absolutely make my day. This is my first time posting online and the support is amazing :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! I thank you all for reading this far, you are amazing! As always, let me know what you think :D

Patton decided to walk home after Roman’s auditions that day, Logan had tilted his head in that confused way and asked why but Patton couldn’t tell him the real reason so he just said- “I’m trying to get my 10,000 steps” and walked away without saying goodbye. 

Patton isn’t very good at lying. He’s good at hiding the truth- but not lying.

Being friends with Virgil is interesting. Patton would like to say that because of the insight he provides on being a known obedient, but Virgil doesn’t talk that much so that isn’t it. It’s more of how his friends are interacting with him, they’re starting to treat him more like a person than something below their boots- and his nightmare scenario in which the whole school finds out scares him a little less than it did before. 

But not by much.

Poor Virgil. He always looks like they’re about to kill him. He just- he just wishes that he could be happy with them. He's so sweet and he's so lonely- Oh, and Logan. He’s trying so hard to reconnect with him- it’s all just so- cute. Roman’s trying his best, Patton supposes, not going about most things the right way but he does have his heart in the right place. 

Patton sniffs and adjusts his backpack straps. God. He loves all of them so much that he cries about it sometimes. Well- more than sometimes. He has friends that care about him. That's enough.

At least someone does.

Speak of the devil, his Dad’s burnt orange sports car is in the driveway, like he knew it would be because he had told him, but it still scared him. His dad is the only person remaining who knows what he is, and though he lives in fear anywhere it’s a different kind of fear at home. 

Nevertheless he puts a smile on his face and opens the door. Happy, pappy Patton. 

He retreats to the kitchen, in desperate need of a cookie, to find his father at the head of the dining room table on his phone with a cup of coffee. His dad is the kind of guy to wear a suit everyday no matter what he was doing- granted most of the things his father spent his time on did warrant a suit. Today is no exception, but he’s loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his white dress shirt so it’s safe to say he isn’t going out again.

Great.

Oh. 

Great! Oh how Patton loves his father, and how his father loves him. They are a happy family. They are happy.

“Oh, Hi Dad!” Patton smiles, reaching for the aluminum foil covering the plate of cookies he had baked yesterday at Logan’s house. His father grunts. "Oh, do you want a cookie? They're-"

“Sit down, I need to talk to you.” He doesn’t even look up. Patton grabs a cookie quickly and sits at the opposite end of the table. 

“Uh-” Patton mutters when he doesn’t say anything for a while, “What’s up?”

“Your appointment for your mark is next weekend.” He says shortly. Patton takes a bite of his cookie.

“Okay?” Patton knew it would be sometime soon, but not so soon. It’s alright, he supposes. He doesn’t want it there any more than his Dad does. 

His dad was so disappointed when Patton was born. He wasn’t supposed to be obedient, no way was a Hart obedient. They must be wrong. They must be wrong. There were no obedients in the Hart bloodline, he won’t have it start now. He raged and raged and then when he realized it wasn’t to be changed- he bribed, and bribed- and now the only people left alive who know who he is is the man in front of him, the nurse that delivered him, the doctor who determined who he was, and the man who tattooed his name onto his wrist. They’re all being paid to shut up. The school doesn’t know. Hell, the state doesn’t even know. In the name of the law, he isn’t obedient at all. 

His dad looks up, tilting his head sardonically. “What’s wrong?”

“I- I feel like I’m lying.” Patton shivers, even though it’s not cold.

“Would you rather live in fear, hiding from the world?”

“I- I think I already am.”

His father shakes his head, smiling now. “Not for long, Pat.”

When Patton only nods, stuffing the rest of the cookie into his mouth to stop himself from talking, his father says- “Smile, Patton. You should be proud of this. You won’t be in danger anymore. Isn’t that great?”

It should be, Patton thinks, but his vision is already blurred by the customary tears as he smiles too wide.

Happy Patton. Cheerful Patton. Smile pretty, Patton. Smile or no one will like you, Patton. You can’t ever be sad, you can’t ever be upset or angry, Patton. Patton’s the nice one. He’s the one you can do anything to and he won’t get upset. Patton will do anything you want, because he’s so nice. He doesn’t even complain. Isn’t that nice? He’s not even obedient. He’s nice. He’s happy. He smiles at you, even if there’s nothing he’d rather do less.

“Of course.” He says wobbily

"Now, why don't you go on up to bed Patton. Go to sleep."

And he feels the pull of a definite order, pulling him up the stairs and into bed- and even though it's only 9 o clock, he forces his eyes shut tight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back. Finals are over. I'm tired. As always, let me know what you think, and thank you for reading!!! Love ya.

Virgil munches on Roman’s crackers. They’re alone at the table today and that relieves him _immensely_. On days like this he feels like he can actually relax- even though Patton frequently tries to include him in conversation and Roman really likes to touch him. Only casual touches, like his shoulders, the tip of his knee, his wrist occasionally (which he wishes he would stop doing), and sometimes full out pressing against his side. He likes the feeling but he also doesn’t and he’s afraid to ask him to stop.

 

Another uncomfortable thing is when Logan and Patton randomly start kissing and Roman just looks at him like he’s expected to do the same.

 

That hasn’t happened yet today, thank god.

 

“What do you think, Virgil?” 

 

"Actually-” Virgil interrupts, having not listened for a while so he couldn’t answer truthfully anyway- “My name’s Parker now.”  


“Excuse me?” Says Logan, his nose crinkled up in that Logan way which is  _usually_ endearing- “What do you mean?”

 

"I- we were supposed to uh- get new names. You know-” He cringes, not wanting to say it out loud- “ obedients. So you guys don’t need to worry about having numbers to remember.”

 

Patton looks profoundly sad.

 

“Parker?” Roman asks looking sort of bewildered, “Why Parker?”  


“I dunno.” Virgil shrugs. He really doesn’t, he just picked it out.

 

"I don't like it." Roman pouts. "I love your real name already."

 

Patton smacks Roman's shoulder and he immediately looks guilty. He whispers something, it looks like an apology but not one to Virgil. He's looking at the ring on his pinky finger.  


 

"It’s a very nice name, Vir- Parker." Patton soothes. "Of course we love your real name, but we understand why it’s different now."

 

Virgil nods, his head held down. "Sorry, what were you saying before? "

 

Patton beams. "My dad's on a business trip for the next few days! He's coming back Friday... and I was wondering if everyone would want to sleepover! It will be so fun!"

 

"Me too?" Virgil asks timidly.

 

"You betcha, kiddo."

 

"You’re coming. It’ll be fun." Roman laughs "Anyway don’t want to third wheel on my own. It’s so awkward.”

  
  
“No it isn't.” Logan rolls his eyes.

 

“Like _you_ would know, microsoft nerd.” Roman sticks his tongue out at him, but he’s smiling, and Roman is just trying to include him and give him a reason to come, which is nice but... Roman’s bad at this isn’t he? Or does he know _exactly_ what he’s doing?

 

Virgil can’t tell.  


“Alright.” Virgil concedes even with the voice in his head yelling at him to do the opposite.

 

_Saynoit’sdangerous,Virgil,i’tssodangerous,alonealonealone,threetooneyouwouldn’tstandachancevirgil,pleasepleasedon’tdieyou’retooyoungtodie._

 

“Wonderful!” Roman exclaims far too loudly

 

Patton smiles, “Wouldn’t be the same without you, kid. Oooh! We can make cookies! Or brownies, or cake- do you like cake?”  
  
“Cookies are fine.” Virgil shrugs.

 

Roman grabs Virgil’s hand and it takes all of Virgil’s willpower not to _hiss_ at him. “Parker, darling, your nails are horrid.”   


“I’m not your _darling_ , s-roman.” He glances away, embarrassed, Logan looks over at Virgil warily.   


“I thought-”   


Roman jumps to interrupt, not that that’s a chore for him, “Whatever. May I paint them tonight?”

 

_Dangerdangerwecan’ttrusthim,wecan’ttrustthem-_

 

“Sure. Nothing too bright, though.” Virgil shrugs, he wouldn’t hate a purple. He tries to push his anxiety’s voice back in his head.

 

“I’m a wonderful nail artist.” Roman says, nudging him and letting his hand drop down. “You’ll see.”  


“I suppose I will.” Virgil grunts

 

“Logan can drive you after school, meet us in the courtyard, alright?” Patton smiles kindly.

 

“What about my- like clothes and-” He stops himself. His mom would never let him do this if she knew what was going on, and Logan has literally no capacity to lie in any way shape or form. He can’t have him at his house with his mom asking questions. “I mean- do you have any clothes I could- borrow? To sleep in?”  


 

Patton grins. “Oh, I have plenty. Do you like dinosaurs?"

 

**_You_ ** **_can’t_ ** **_trust them_ ** _._

 

_"_ Dinosaurs are pretty rad."

 

He’ll tell his mom he’s staying over at Logan’s. She’ll be absolutely delighted that they’re “reconnecting”.

 

"I think so too!" Patton squeals, "So? Is that a yes?"

 

**_Virgil, please don’t do this._ ** 

  
He _has_ to. Physically. He also _wants_ to. He’s fucking _lonely_ goddamnit. He needs this. If it ends in his death (which he doesn’t particularly think is going to happen) at least he would have gotten some socializing in there first.

 

“I’ll be there.”

.........


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so long I dont have acess to a computer and I hate writing on my phone. Thanks for reading and be sure to tell me what you think like always!! I'll try to upload more frequently: D

Logan smiles at him when he climbs in the shotgun seat of his pick up truck. Virgil had almost recoiled when he saw his nerd cousin peering out at him from the jacked up monstrosity, but then he found it immensely hilarious.

Trying not to laugh, he hides his face by buckling his seat belt.

"Greetings, Parker." Logan says slightly, satisfied that he remembered.

"Hey, Logan." Virgil mutters, not meeting his eyes. "Are we gonna go?"

"All we have to do is wait for Patton." Logan supplies, and Virgil startles. "Oh, I didn't know I'll give him my seat- " Logan places his hand on his arm.

"He wont mind riding in the back." 

Virgil stops moving, nodding stiffly.

"Are you okay?"

Virgil nods again.

"If you dont want to do this that would be ok." Logan cautions, "we want you to be comfortable above all thing-"

"I know, alright?" Virgil snaps, "I'm fine."

Logan raises his hands in surrender, "okay, okay- " he peers over Virgils head- "ah. Here's Patton."

He opens the back door with a cheerful greeting, seemingly not upset at all that Virgil had taken his seat. "I'm so glad you came!!" He beams at Virgil, and then turns to Logan-

"Roman's coming, dont leave yet."

"He took the bus today?"

"Yes." Patton responds,

"Disgusting." Logan shudders, changing the radio station from some rap music to classical violins.

Virgil plays violin.

Patton giggles "you step in gum one time-"

"It was disgusting."

"You were in kindergarten, silly."

They've been friends for so long, Virgil thinks, what is he even doing here?

"That changes nothing, love." Logan throws his head back to glare at Patton but it's not sharp edges like everything else he does, its goopy and soft and Virgil cant believe what love does to people.

He wants someone to look at him like that- in another world- maybe. 

Roman opens the door next, or,more accurately- rips it from its hinges while squealing like a fangirl.

"Guess what guess what guess what-"

"What?" Virgil injects impatiently.

"I got it. I got the lead!!"

"Oh!" Patton gasps, "congrats, kiddo! I knew you would!"

"Thank you!" He smiles breathlessly, buckling his seatbelt aggressively and pulling down his shades- "move out, bitch-"

He kicks logan's seat, and he grumbles, turning the key.

"Virgil, isnt this wonderful?" Roman asks, grinning."oh, and you're assistant lighting director to Logan."

"Parker."

"Oh, right. Whatever. You excited?" 

"Sure."

"Why are you so pissy today?"

Virgil draws himself up in indignation. "I'm not."

Roman shrugs, glancing at Patton who Virgil could tell was forcing his smile "Now kids, dont do that today. We should be celebrating!"

"Yeah!" Roman flushes again, "God, I cant believe it. Oh my god."

"I'm so proud of you, kiddo!" Patton leans over to hug him, and Logan mutters something akin to a congratulations to supplement it.

Roman looks at Virgil again.

Stop. Looking. At. Him.

……...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer, I do believe in the moon landing but alot of my friends don't? I don't know what that's about- also, this chapter is important but I feel as if it's horrible (don't take my word and not read it, I just get discouraged sometimes). It gets spicier towards the end 😂 anyways, as always, let me know what you think!! Comments really make my day.

Logan shoves a pillow and a sleeping bag into Virgil's arms the moment he climbs out of the car.

 

 "For you." He says simply, his expression unsmiling but not unkind.

 

"Thanks." Virgil shifts his weight, gripping the pillow to his chest like a lifeline, waiting for everyone to start moving before he does. He very much feels like he's a fish on dry land, immensely out of place, in an unfamiliar territory. He walks in diagonal with Logan as the other three chat excitedly in a straight line- Virgil falling behind.

 

Patton's house is ginormous.

 

Virgil knew the kid was rich but- damn. It has fucking spires! Like a _castle_!

 

Patton stops at the door, pulling a lanyard put of his pocket to fumble through the clinking metal for his house key. He finds it. "Aha, there it is! Forgive me, it's a bit cluttered- the maid hasn't come through this week."

 

_Maid?_

 

"That's what I said!" Roman claps him on the back too hard.

 

Patton giggles, Virgil flushes. He said that _out loud_ . 

 

"Wait until you see the pool." Logan smirks softly as they enter into the breezeway and kick off their shoes.

 

"Pool?"

 

"To patton's room!" Roman yells, in form of a battle cry. In a flurry they're suddenly all seated on a soft carpet in a baby blue room the size of half of virgil's apartment, with a skylight.

 

A skylight.

 

Virgil already knew he was poor, now he feels even worse off than he thought he was.

 

Roman giggles giddily and shuffles over to go get something, Patton looks at Logan with mushy eyes that Virgil should never see and they kiss and Virgil just hugs his pillow, staring down. He shouldn't be here.

 

Roman comes back, holding a large case. Logan and Patton break apart.

 

"So whaddya wanna do?" Patton asks, smiling extra wide at Virgil as if it would melt the evident tension in his shoulders.

 

"We could, uh- talk? Play games? Swim- oh, Virgil doesn't have a suit, you could borrow one of mine!" Patton says earnestly. Virgil shakes his head furiously.

 

"Okay. Not that." Logan cuts in. "What do you want to do, Parker?"

 

Patton mutters a curse word.

 

"I don't-"

 

"Why don't Roman and I cook supper early, and then we all eat. If some of us want to swim we can, and then for the rest of the night watch movies and play games? Yes?" Logan, on top of things as ever.

 

"Good idea Lo Lo." Patton grins.

 

"Alright, lets go." Roman says enthusiastically, "wanna come, emo trash?"

 

Virgil blinks, not sure if he should be offended or not. "Nah I'll stick with Patton."

 

Roman shrugs. "Alright. Race you, nerd!"

 

"No."

 

Patton sighs as he watches the two go off to make spaghetti for supper. He twists the rubber bracelets on his left wrist absentmindedly.

 

"Not-uh- much of a cook?"  Virgil asks to break the silence and get that weird look off of Patton's face. A frown does not belong on Patton's lips, and Virgil definitely wants it gone. Patton shouldn't be sad, he's too good for that. Is good the word?

 

"No. I cant cook to save my life, Logan's the real food wizard." Patton laughs softly, "I like to bake, though! Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are my signature, Virgil- we should make some tonight! Oh goodness, we could be baking buddies!"

 

Patton beams at him. That's more like it.

 

But then his smile fades "Parker. Sorry."

 

"Pat- it's not that big of a deal- it's more for formality than anything." It is. He just has been sustaining this so they wouldn't slip up out of the safety of their solitude. He doesn’t much like it either. His name, though better hidden away, feels right coming out of their lips.

 

"Oh, I love your name, Virge, can I really call you that?"

 

Virgil shrugs. "If it's only around us. Be careful."

 

"Oh, great!" Patton lunges to hug him, but pulls back just as quickly and violently,  looking panicked- "sorry."

 

Confused, Virgil opts to just nod and say nothing.

 

Patton twists the bracelets more violently, looking at where the other two disappeared.

 

"I- I've been wanting to tell you something." Virgil's eyes snap up to meet the depths of Patton's blue ones.

 

"Me?"

 

"You-yeah." Patton sets his jaw, staring at the carpet. He looks so upset. God, stop looking so upset.

 

He feels so much sympathy for him in this moment, genuine love for the man who has been so nice to him the past month, but all he could get out was -"Spill, then."

 

“I just- “ He pauses again, conflicted.

 

Virgil scoots closer, wanting to touch but afraid to. 

 

“I- you- I’m- I love you.” He blurts out, and then his face turns red. “Not- not like I love Logan, I mean, but- Virgil, I care about you.”  
  
Is that- is that really so hard to say? Virgil shrinks, is it such a big deal to-

 

Wait.

 

He loves him?  
  
Patton looks down guiltily, his mouth still searching for words. Virgil’s heart pangs, he has never seen him look so helpless. 

 

“I just love all of you so much, I cry about it sometimes. I- I don’t want to _lose_ you. Or Roman. Or- Logan. God. _You’re all I have._ ”   
  
“Oh, Pat- I-”   
  
“Let me finish.” Patton interjects, voice choked yet tearless, laying a hand on Virgil’s arm. “I’m always scared, Virgil.”   
  
“Same here.” He says slowly, trying to see what his point in all of this is. 

 

“I’m scared that if I tell my friends something that I’ll lose them. Do you know what that’s like?”  
  
“I don’t have friends.”   
  
Momentarily distracted, Patton smacks his arm. “Yes you do! Virgil, we love you!”   
  
“I was- I was kidding.”   


Patton grimaces. Slowly, he starts taking off his signature bracelets and placing them in a pile next to him. Virgil watches, transfixed.

 

Once hes done, he looks up at Virgil, miming wiping at his wrist with his thumb.

 

And it dawns on him.

 

“Your name! Patton! What the-”  
  
“Shh, please just- Don’t say anything. I thought you could- you would understand?”   
  
He doesn’t. He doesn’t get it. How, _how_ did no one find out?

 

"I'm hidden in plain sight." Patton whispers. "Im like a chameleon."

 

Patton giggles at the comparison, and then sobers.

 

"Even though I have no idea what you've been through, I thought we should stick together. I- wanted to tell someone before I got it removed-"

 

"Removed?"

 

"I- yeah. Removed. For good."

 

"Pat! That- that's great!"

 

"I dunno. Can we- not talk about it? Can I hug you?"

 

"Of course."

…..

 

Sleepovers, Virgil has realized, are nothing less than a whirlwind. It's one thing to the next to the next to the next. After a very entertaining supper in which he and Logan got into a heated debate about the moon landing (it was definitely staged, are you kidding?), they had played cards against humanity for maybe 10 minutes and then the ouija board for 15.With an objection that it's no fun to play in the daylight, Logan and Patton opted to swim for a bit while Roman insisted to paint Virgil's nails as promised. That's good, on one hand, so Virgil can stop thinking too hard about the amount of time that's appropriate to stare at Patton, but on the other hand-

 

They're alone.

 

Virgil feels small, so so small, and Roman seems so big.

 

He doesn't dislike Roman, not at all, but something about him- would it be the recklessness or the absolute control, scares him. From the beginning, he could sense that Roman's wanted something from him. He can't tell what it is, rather, he can't decide if it is what he thinks it is.

 

"I want to tell you something." At those words, Virgil inwardly groans.

 

Not again.

 

Roman is rifling through polish, trying to settle on the perfect shade. Virgil is hyperventilating.

 

He can't handle another life changing confession right now. Why did he ever think trying to socialize would be a good idea?

 

Roman turns to see pure panic, and he smiles in amusement.

 

"Calm down, it isn't a _bad_ thing."

 

At the order, Virgil's breath catches in his throat, and he has to fight to level his breathing so he doesn't choke on literal air.

 

How embarrassing would that be? Survive 16 years just to die from choking on oxygen.

 

"Purple and black seem to suit you." Roman displays the colors like a conceited beauty guru, and Virgil smirks softly so Roman doesn't ask questions. "Yeah?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Give me your hand." Virgil's hand obliges enthusiastically.

 

Roman shakes the purple bottle and starts on his left pinky nail.

 

"Do you know what this ring stands for?" Roman asks softly gesturing to the ring on his own left hand.

 

His hands are so warm.

 

Virgil shakes his head.

 

"My sister died when she was 5, Virge. She was told to get in the pool by a careless friend who didn't remember that she was obedient. Ilya couldn't swim. She drowned and- and no one noticed. I have some of her ashes in here. To remember."

 

Virgil's head snaps up to meet Roman's eyes, but he's looking down at Virgil's hand.

 

"I'm so sorry-"

 

"It's alright. I'm- I'm mostly over it."

 

They sit in silence as he finishes alternating purple on his left hand and moves to the right. When satisfied with both hands, he pulls out the other bottle.

 

"I just- I'm the only non obedient left in my house, Virgil, and I try to understand what you guys are going through, you know? And- I think I do."

 

Virgil almost laughs. _No you don't._

 

"I mean, what I'm trying to say is, I really like you and I want to date you."

 

Virgil jumps and messes up the polish on his fingers in result. That. Was. A. Fucking. Leap.

 

"What the fuck?" Virgil mutters, and then raising his voice- "how the hell did you get from 'oh I wanna understand you' to ' oh let's go out'? 

 

His face is flaming. He's never been liked by anyone, especially someone as attractive-

  
  
  
  


He's never been liked by anyone, ever, and it was probably better off that way. A relationship means blurred boundaries and will probably end with an uncomfortable Virgil.

 

Roman laughs loudly, "Is that a yes?"

 

Virgil doesn't respond to the question, offering his hand "Fix this, please."

 

Roman obliges.

 

God.

 

This.

 

What?

 

 _What the fuck is going on? Is_ **_this_ ** _why Roman had been weird since they've met?_

 

"I just-" Roman says after another while of silence, "I'm sorry that was a bit sudden, but I think you may like me too- and- well. I know what obedients need to be happy."

 

Roman closes the bottle, blowing gently on Virgil's fingernails.

 

"I know what _you_ need, Virgil. I'm certain of it." Roman smiles broadly.

 

"Are you,now?" Virgil snarks, uncomfortable.

 

"Oh yes." Roman grabs both of Virgil's wrists and slowly starts to raise them up. 

 

Virgil's always prided himself on his fight aspect of his fight or flight reflexes, but he can't even seem to flee- he can only freeze.

 

Roman finally sets both of his hands on the wall behind him, so that he's both pinned and virtually straddled(honestly his worst nightmare), and Roman's smiling and God... is this supposed to feel good? In form of explanation, Roman cocks his head and asks, " We wouldn't want to mess up your nails, would we?"

 

Virgil gulps and shakes his head and then he's having his first kiss and then it's over and then Roman laughs and tells him to relax and _finally_ **_finally_ ** lets him down and then giggles into his shoulder and then Virgil just hugs Roman to his body because what else can he do?

 

What else can he do?

 

………

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, let me know what you think! Comments make my day.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hate typing on my phone so it's harder to get chapters out...and also there might be a fair amount of errors because its hard to edit. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!! As always, leave a comment to tell me what you're thinking and thank you all so much for reading!❤

Another thing Virgil has realized is that sleepovers involve very little sleep. After the incident, which is what Virgil had mentally started calling the thing with Roman that happened, he kind of just started going along with it...trying not to visibly convey his utter misery.

 

Roman wants to run his hands through Virgil's hair? Sure.

 

Roman wants to put his hand on Virgil's upper thigh while the group plays uno? Cool.

 

Roman wants to snuggle with Virgil during the movie?  _ Awesome. _

 

He loves all of the unsolicited touching. He loves the strange looks that his cousin is giving him. He loves how, once again, he's an object. In a different way, sure. Better? He doesn't know. Should he say something? Yes. A simple  _ no? _ Yes, he should. Is he scared?

 

Yes.

  
  
  
  
  


Is Virgil even gay? After all of this, he hasn't even thought about it.

  
  


He never was before…

 

Or maybe he was. He's never been one for craving intimacy outside of platonic-ish stuff like hugs and cuddles, he really really needs that, but...sex?

 

No.

 

So how can he really tell what he is? God. He didn't want to think about this for a long time. He was planning on waiting until he's out of this God forsaken state(country, if he can swing it) to even pursue anything past friendship. If ever. He knows that he is more important than anybody else to himself. That's what his mom's always told him.

 

"Parker, it's your turn." A finger prods his side, a very nicely manicured finger. Roman had gotten ahold of Logan too.

 

Virgil shakes his head to clear his head of his inner monologue, blushing slightly.

 

"Oh, right." Its about 1 in the morning, a dozen cookies, a marvel movie, a few fake spirits, and a trip to the ice cream bar later- and they're sitting in a tight circle, collapsed all over each other and playing a lazy game of a strategy board game. Virgil didn't know that he would ever laugh as much as he has in this one nights but the later it gets the more that everyone finds everything funny. Eventually the giddy spell wore off and now everyone is just tired.

 

He plays his turn, yawns, and shifts away from the bodies around him a little bit, hyperaware of the feeling of denim on his legs.

 

Roman rests a hand on Virgil's head at this movement.

 

"Tired, love?"

 

Virgil responds in a fashion similar to how he's been responding all night, short and non-descript.

"Mhmm."

 

"Virgil and I are going to bed." Roman announces suddenly, too loud for the lateness of the hour.

 

Virgil closes his eyes and mutters "in separate rooms."

 

Logan hears him, and gives him another one of those weird looks. Virgil giggles softly, blinking at him. Logan has a weird face.

 

He nudges Patton. "Pat? Can you get him set up?"

 

Patton kisses Logan in response, pulls back, looks into his eyes,then kisses him again, deeper.

 

And then "Sure. Come with me, kiddo!!"

 

Abandoning their game, He pulls away from Roman and follows Patton over to his walk-in closet.

 

He cheerfully piles dinosaur sweat pants and varying t shirts into his arms and then shows him his room.

 

Its fucking huge. Its fucking the size of his whole little trailer home if cut in half then put sure by side, yet all it contains is a bed the size of Virgil's own bedroom and a sparse dresser with empty picture frames on it.

 

Before Patton leaves to go to bed, he whispers a "love ya kiddo" and presses a kiss to his fingers to touch to Virgil's wrist.

 

His sleep is restless, his mind rushing through everything he  _ could _ say in the morning to defend himself, though he fears he just can't.

 

He wakes up absurdly early, and finds himself unable to fall asleep again.

 

Fucking amazing.

 

He knows that in a few hours they'll have to be at school but Virgil knows that hes going to skip no matter what they do. so he was hoping that he could sleep in.

 

He sits on his phone for an hour, straining his ears for any noise outside, aka an invitation for him to leave his room as well.

 

His only sleepovers have been at Logan's house when they were very very very young, before his stint in which he started to hate Virgil until a few months ago. Mildly dislike. Un friend?

 

Hate is too strong of a word, anyway. They're family.

 

Anyway, hexs a bit of a sleepover noob. The most they'd do at logan's was some crossword puzzles or the like and watch nature documentaries that Virgil pretended to like until they went to bed at 9 o clock sharp. Fun fact aboutLogan, he falls asleep flat on his back and like, immediately,  which is a thing that Virgil has always been jealous of. Not the vampire back sleeping, but being able to sleep the moment he wanted to.

 

He hears a creak outside his door.  _ Finally _ . A soft voice sings "breakfast!" after knocking three times.

 

Virgil emerges, trying to brush down his bangs to look somewhat presentable.

 

Patton hums like a housemaid as he sets orange juice out in front of the other two tired boys sitting at the table. Virgil sits at another one of the many chairs at the long table, in between Roman and Logan.

 

"Eat up! School in an hour!" Patton places a steaming plate if bacon and eggs in front of Virgil.

 

Virgil laughs, and as soon as Patton turns away,   virgil glances to his right. "Logan, do you think you could drop me at home?"

 

Logan nods, grinning.

 

"I heard that."

 

"Well, I'll be going to school." Logan announces, standing up and stuffing the remaining bacon onto his plate into his mouth. "I see you're already dressed, so I'll be right back."

 

That leaves only Roman, Patton, and Virgil. Patton, who Virgil had noticed hasn't eaten himself, rushes off to "say goodbye" to Logan privately.

 

That leaves only Roman and Virgil. Virgil starts stuffing scrambled eggs into his face.

 

Roman watches him calmly, sipping orange juice. Eventually, Virgil runs out of eggs.

 

"Morning, lovely." Roman smiles when Virgil finally meets his eyes.

 

"...morning."

 

"You've been very shy this morning."

 

"Tired."

 

He just looks at him a while longer until Virgil meets his eyes again.

 

"Can I kiss you?"

 

Virgil almost nods.

 

He almost does.

 

But he doesn't.

 

"Now you ask me?"

 

Roman visibly recoils. "What?"

 

"Did I stutter?  _ Now _ you ask me?" Virgil's voice is nothing more than a hiss, a culmination of his frustration over this whole ideal,and his frustration with Roman in general. "Great idea, sounds like a reasonable thing to do before you advance on someone...get their  _ consent _ ."

 

"But- I thought you-" Roman looks horrified. Virgil almost feels bad.

 

"Did I  _ look _ happy?"

 

Roman thinks back, Virgil can see the wheels turning. "No."

 

"There you go." Virgil says, looking away.

 

"I'm- I'm sorry Virgil. I went too fast. Maybe we can-"

 

"No."

 

"Listen, we can just start over and-"

 

"Fuck off."

 

"I really really like you, I want to keep you safe! I  _ need _ to keep you safe! I  _ need you. _ "

 

Roman grabs Virgil's arm as he stands up to escape.

 

"Roman, don't touch me." 

 

"Just-" Roman holds him tighter, long fingernails piercing his arm. Panic grips his heart. Roman's gonna hurt him.

 

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He screams, using Roman's shock to jerk his arm out of his grip.

 

Roman sits back down and puts his head in his hands.

 

Virgil stands and stares at him.

 

.......


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, new and old who is reading this far. This is the first work of writing I've ever posted online and I appreciate every single one of you supporting me❤❤ As always drop a kudos or let me know what you think! I'm always happy to hear critiques and what people are feeling about how the story is going :D

This isn't that bad.

 

No, definitely not. It's fine. Roman has this all under control. Virgil can't actually be mad at him, right? 

 

He can't have done anything wrong. He'd wooed him. They'd kissed. It was amazing. They'd spent what Roman thought was an amazing first night together as boyfriends. And...even if Virgil looked a bit discontent… Roman assumed it was Virgil being anxious again.

 

Look, the kid is the  _ embodiment _ of Anxiety. It's endearing though. Especially when he's too nervous to say something, so he just blushes and gets mad.

 

That must have been what happened. He got overwhelmed and lashed out. That's all. Roman is  _ still his knight in shining armor _ .

 

Right? 

 

He keeps telling himself this.

 

That's all he has.

 

He pulls into his driveway with his tank almost at empty. He had made the executive decision for himself after Logan had dropped him off at his house that he would not be going to school that day. He'd instead decided to drive around until school ended to think. When thinking became too hard, which was admittedly pretty early on in his adventure, he just turned on his musical soundtracks and sang his voice hoarse instead.

 

Protip from Roman: Don't do that it will kill your vocal chords.

 

He turns off his car and lets the last song finish before he gets out.

 

I mean, can't Virgil see that he's only trying to protect him? He wants to make sure Virgil doesn't get all chummy with some lowlife controlling asshole who doesn't know what Virgil wants and needs. His skin crawls at the thought of anyone but him, someone who loves and understands the kid, touching him. Kissing him. Holding his hands. Doing  _ anything _ with him. Roman especially fears someone who would take advantage of Virgil's obedience. What if he can't say no? What if he's too afraid to fight back?

 

Roman shudders.

 

"Hey honey, how was school?"

 

Oh, his mother.

 

He turns to face her, looking over her shoulder so he doesn't have to meet her eyes when he lies.

 

"Great- uh-" he musters up excitement, acting...right? "I got the lead!"

 

"Really?" She asks, looking way too surprised. Roman, instead of being offended, giggles. 

 

"Hey!"

 

"I didnt mean it like that silly! Come here!" She pulls him into a hug, rocking him back and forth cheerfully.

 

Virgil looked so scared.

 

She pulls back, looking into her son's eyes.

 

Virgil looked scared  _ of him _ .

 

"Honey, what's wrong?"

 

What had he done wrong? Obviously something  _ bad _ . But when? Why? He'd never meant to.

 

"Roman?? Are you okay?"

 

He looks back at her. His mom, broken just as much as she is filled with love. All the times she's been wronged means she should have coldness in her eyes, but all that is there is warmth and concern.

 

She'll know what to do. She always does.

 

"Mom...can I- talk to you in private?" He eyes his youngest sister playing on the carpet a few feet away.

 

"Of course honey, just hold on a second." She retreats to put the baby gate over the fireplace so his sister doesn't accidentally burn herself while she's gone.

 

She comes back to him then, waiting for him to indicate what's next.

 

"Come." Roman says simply, and she obliges and follows him into the den. "Sit."

 

She does.

 

"What's bothering you?" She prods gently after a few seconds.

 

"I'm I may have done something..." Roman doesnt want to say it. "Something- wrong. I don't know what it was."

 

His mom laughs,and he scowls at her. Why would she laugh at him now? When he's just admitted that he's committed a grave error? 

 

"Sorry, you're just going to have to be...more specific."

 

"Ok. You know… that... _ person _ I liked? Well. That  _ person _ is  _ obedient _ ."

 

His mom sits patiently, smiling.

 

"And- well- I kissed that person at Patton's sleepover and asked them to be- my significant other."

 

"Did they say yes?"

 

Roman sighs deeply. "I  _ thought _ they did."

 

He seemed- after that exchange- ok. Breathless, after the kiss, compliant for the rest of the night… but apparently he didn't have  _ consent _ for any of that stuff. He didn't know he had to ask.

 

"So what happened?"

 

"He- well- I guess- he felt that I didn't actually ask him- that I told him...to do things."

 

His mom shakes her head, exhaling softly.

 

"And when I tried to- stop him from running away, he screamed at me to stop touching him."

 

"And?"

 

"And- "Roman continues, "I don't know… what to do."

 

"Well." His mom straightens her skirt on her knees, "now that you've said some of these things out loud do you realize what you did wrong?"

 

"I- didn't ask him first? I mean, his body language implied it was a yes. He didn't say no or stop me."

 

He should have said yes. All signs point to yes. Roman should win, why is he losing?

 

"He may have been scared to tell you no."

 

"We've been friends for a while now- why would he be afraid of me?"

 

"Sounds like you tell him what to do a lot. Some people, especially obedients, don't  _ like _ that."

 

Roman pauses.

 

"They...they  _ don't _ ?"

 

She smiles softly. "Obedients need to be given orders occasionally. You know that. But communication is definitely key. It sounds like your someone doesn't trust you enough yet. That doesn't mean they never will- but I would back off for now. It can make them feel- out of control- when they can literally be forced to bend to someone's will. It sounds like your friend may have been scared that you would make him do worse things if he said no."

 

Roman recoils. "I'd never! You don't know what he's thinking! Why would you say that?"

 

"Roman. You can't pretend this didn't happen. May I stand?"

 

Roman blinks, and nods.

 

She comes over to him and pats him on the back. "Trust me. You'll figure out what went wrong, eventually. You have a good heart, my prince, don't forget that. Apologize to him, but don't overwhelm him."

 

"Okay."

 

"I'm going to go now. Cheer up! Practice your lines! This is exciting, remember?"

 

And humming, she drifts away.

 

Roman will apologize to Virgil, it will be the grandest apology ever.

 

And then, grander still, will be his profession of love to win him back over, and then they'll be happy like Logan and Patton!

 

Oh, they will be an even cuter couple than those two...and then when prom rolls around they can double date and rent a limo- it will be  _ perfect _ .

 

Virgil will finally safe and sound, and Roman will finally be the hero he was destined to be…

 

Mark his words.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy, thank you so much to everyone who is reading! I know I say that alot but I appreciate all of you deeply and I truly think this experience is assisting me in my writing style development! As always, drop a comment and a kudos to let me know what you think❤❤!

 

Logan is _concerned_.

No. That isn't totally accurate.

Uneasy? Apprehensive.

Whatever.

Today's Friday. Friday's are usually good, the start of a weekend, you can relax and finish all of your homework by midnight so you can get started on next week's homework bright and early Saturday morning.

 

Logan usually loves Friday.

 

This one is weird.

 

Off-kilter. 

 

Wrong.

 

Most noticeably at the moment, Patton. 

 

He's rubbing his arms and wringing his hands and acting visibly anxious, jumping at sounds and looking around him too frequently...as if he's hiding something. Patton _never_ lies to Logan so if he asked then he'd say but Logan definitely doesn't want to violate those invisible boundaries that he can never seem to grasp.

 

Also concerning is the obvious tension between Roman and Virgil. There always has been, on one side at least, but it feels ramped up to a million. Roman is actually _quiet_ for once, which would be nice if it wasn't so unnerving. And he feels as if they are almost back to square one with Virgil, receiving only the barest forced smiles and one word answers. Logan thinks that he is pretty observant, but whenever Patton gets mushy with him he becomes….less so. It's almost like logic leaves him. During their sleepover Patton had been all over him, and while that hadn't been _bad_ in the slightest, he feels as if he had missed some things.

 

A lot had happened and Logan seems to be the only one who doesn't know what's going on.

 

So instead of forcing conversation within their tense little circle, he mentally tries to fill in the gaps.

 

Virgil is sitting next to Logan today, which is unusual because he always sits next to Roman. That only further reinforces the fact that something had happened between them. Roman is scribbling in a book quietly, which he does do sometimes, but not usually in company since it embarrasses him that he keeps a "it's not a diary it's a creative outlet!" and also takes away from his opportunity to be loud. Logan can only guess that Roman had made a move on Virgil (which would explain the weird closeness they had had that night), and Virgil ended up backing out because of his anxiety and now it's awkward and he feels bad. To be fair, the kid looked very very uncomfortable the times he had noticed their closeness- which Logan admits that he had maybe stared at a little too long. Perhaps Virgil just didn't know how to say no.

 

No, that isn't very hard to figure out. They'll work that out on their own.

 

The real mystery here is Patton. And though he loves a good mystery, he'd prefer the mystery not be his boyfriend.

 

Honestly, he wants that word to stay far far far away from his boyfriend.

 

Patton is 

 

  1. Nervous, as stated. He's not usually nervous. And if he is, he asks Logan to make him feel better- which he tries his best to do.
  2. Exchanging weird looks with Virgil from across the table. Unusual communicative-like looks, like they're having an anxious non verbal communication. 
  3. Checking his phone _a l o t_ . Though Patton is arguably one of the most liked people in the school, he doesn't really chat with many people over instant message, no matter how much he likes the person. If he wanted to talk to anyone from school he'd literally go and talk to them. He's waiting for a text from someone who isn't here.
  4. The bracelets. He loves wearing those silly bands and friendship bracelets, but they've all been slowly migrating towards his left arm, creating a disbalance in the fabric of the universe (or, you know, the symmetry).



 

He needs to think about it. Something is up.

 

"Cookie?"

 

"What?" he snaps at a bewildered Virgil.

 

"Uhh...do you want a cookie?" He shakes the half filled tupperware at him, looking away.

 

"Oh, sorry." He says automatically, "No."

 

Virgil nods and slides it hard across the table in Roman's direction instead. He doesn't notice.

Virgil has always been a part of his life, a sort of constant background variable, and then suddenly he started to be a very sizable part of it. That  _is_ his fault, Logan supposes, when their conversation about obedients took a turn and Roman asked if he knew any. He'd offhandedly told them of Virgil using his goddamn name, which was in hindsight very stupid. It all snowballed, it was the kid in Roman's 1st semester english class that he had had his eyes on and it was the kid that sat alone at lunch so they both wanted him to join them for their own separate reasons. It's a good thing, though. He had started to miss him, with the knowlege that he probabally scared him away at some point with his poor communication skills or just the fact that he could technically tell him to jump off of a cliff. Hopefully- well...hopefully he trusts him now.

Speaking of Virgil...He'd walked in on Virgil and Patton talking that night. It looked as if Patton was crying, his bracelets were on the floor.

 

It's something to do with Virgil and bracelets, then. 

 

Does Patton not like his bracelets anymore? He seems to be uncomfortable in them, like they're constantly bothering him.

 

Maybe he's hurt his right arm? So he can't stand the bracelets there.

 

No.

 

He removes another band mindlessly, pressing the middle button on his phone to check his notifications again.

 

What-

 

"You ok?" Virgil nudges Logan.

 

Logan tries not to scream. He's _thinking_ and he needs everyone to _shut up_...but Virgil is only trying to help.

 

"Yes, I am adequate. Why?"

 

Virgil reaches out to touch Logan's fingers lightly and bring them down from his mouth. "Your nails."

 

Logan bites his nails when he's thinking too hard, perhaps the thing he dislikes about himself the most.

 

Before Virgil can withdraw his hand though, Logan grabs his arm. The scar there-

 

Virgil's eyes glaze over with a sort of fear for a second and Logan immediately lets go. "I- sorry."

 

Virgil withdraws even further, nodding. Logan grimaces guiltily.

 

"I really didn't mean-"

 

Virgil looks back at him, sees how uncomfortable Logan is, and smiles. "It's ok, nerd."

 

Virgil elbows him affectionately.

 

Patton rubs his wrist again.

 

Mystified, Logan looks back and forth, from his cousin to his boyfriend. How hadn't he seen it before? 

  
  
  
  


He's obedient.

  
  
  


That's the only thing it could be, huh? But- why would he suddenly be so nervous? If he's been obedient this whole time ...what's going on to make him act any different than usual?  


Goddamnit, he's going to figure this out if it kills him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I wrote this chapter in the way I wanted to write the sleepover one (the chaos from all four perspectives), but I dont know how I feel about it. As always, thank you for reading!! Drop a kudos or a comment to let me know what you think! Love ya❤

Drama practice. 

 

Virgil has been thinking since his confrontation with Roman that if he leaves him alone to scheme for long then it will likely just get worse. He needs to shut him down and he needs to do it today. He also needs to talk to Patton about his appointment tomorrow, make sure he's okay. He also has to somehow get Logan out of the way. Lastly he needs to reinforce that they call him Parker while at school because the slip ups have piled up to way too many to count and it's starting to get on his nerves. He feels calm, which is weird because he never is, but he knows what he wants and he knows what he needs to do. It's a nice feeling. Patton is his main priority, right now. He's responsible for him. He has responsibility.

 

Wow, that's so nice.

 

Crew doesn't meet at the same time as cast but apparently Logan has to "write light cues and you should watch Virgil so you can learn for next year when I will be gone".

 

Yeah, right, like he'd ever do this without them. 

 

Patton spins on one of the 3 office chairs they have up in the booths Virgil watches Logan work while also watching the table work in the seats.

 

They're wrapping up, though. Patton wants to go home. Or maybe he doesn't. The point is that he is a ball of nervous energy and the chair is gonna break.

 

Virgil stands up abruptly, places a hand on Logan's shoulder without saying anything, and then drags Patton out of the room. "Woah- kiddo, what?"

 

"Are you ok?" He asks the moment they're out of earshot, "Do you want me to come with you tomorrow?"

 

Patton shakes his head furiously "No, you can't. Dad… doesn't like that I'm friends with you. He'll be there."

 

Patton takes a hand through his curls. "I'm just- scared, Virgil, I'm scared that this is all making it worse."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I shouldn't have told you." Patton growls, firmly resolute.

 

Virgil frowns. "I-"

 

"I'm gonna go see Logan!" Patton blurts, and then softer, he places his hand on Virgil's shoulder. "I'll be fine and text you updates. Okay?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Virgil watches him go back into the light booth, closing the door behind him. Awkward now, and feeling as if he didn't help at all, he decides to make his way down to Roman, who is in the first row of seats near the stage and scribbling in his diary furiously.

 

When he sees Virgil approach, he slumps down and brings the book up higher.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Are you trying to hide from me? Dude." Virgil shakes his head and Roman laughs nervously and turns fully to face Virgil.

 

"I- I uh, thought you were mad at me."

 

"Oh, I'm very mad at you, but I think I need to talk to you." What remained of the forced smile melts from Roman's face.

 

"Ah-"

 

"Why don't you take a seat."

 

Roman sits on the armrest of the auditorium chair, looking up at Virgil. He looks incredibly uneasy. Virgil hates himself for liking it.

 

After a few split seconds of silence, Roman tries to apologize again. "I- I'm sorry for going too fast and not, like, talking to you? I had a plan to like, make it up to you but you started this conversation before I was ready so I don't even have any flowers or anything to give you…"

 

"To be honest, if you had shown up at school with flowers for me I would have punched you in the face. So you're lucky, I guess." Virgil shrugs and Roman looks like he had just kicked a puppy. Virgil raises his eyebrows in question."What?"

 

"You- don't like flowers?" Roman asks meekly, looking down.

 

"I'm allergic and l hate when people look at me. Grand gestures aren't really my thing." Virgil shrugs, carefully watching Roman's expression, which it appears to fall 30 stories into a small frown.

 

"Oh."

 

"Good, we've gotten to my point faster than I thought we would" Virgil sighs, "You don't know me, Roman."

 

Roman looks up, offended, opening his mouth to retort.

 

"What's my favorite color?"

 

"Easy. Black. Or purple?"

 

"What's my last name?"

 

"Sanders??"

 

"What's my  _ middle _ name?"

 

"Uhhhh"

 

"What do you think I do for fun?"

 

"Worry?"

 

Virgil snorts at that one, but shakes his head "I like to draw. I play violin. I like to write. Did you know any of that?"

 

"No."

 

"You never cared to ask. I know all about you, Roman, you tell me all the time- but you don't ever want to know about me."

 

"I- we haven't known each other for that long! That would come in time, I would think. Right?"

 

"Right, but that leads to my  _ second  _ question."

 

"Oh no."

 

"Do you really like me-"

 

"Yes! I really really do! Virgil, you know I've liked you for-"

 

"Roman, please listen, do you actually like me? Or do you like the idea of me?"

 

Roman sputters "wha-what do you mean?"

 

"Think about it. You add a fourth member to your friend group. Little tiny Roman brain thinks, "Hey, I don't have to be the third wheel anymore!" And then you become obsessed with the idea of this perfect universe, two and two. You became obsessed with, I dunno, keeping me  _ safe _ when I never asked for your help! It wasn't even my idea to become friends with you. With any of you! It's never my idea, Roman! Things happen _ to _ me, not because of me. My whole  _ life _ has been dictated to me. Yeah? I'm alone. Sure. I have no friends. Fine, I don't have a boyfriend! But I was  _ fine _ . I was lonely but I had what little control I could muster while being stripped from most of it at birth. No one knew my name except for Logan, now I know for a fact that half the school does because , even when I asked you and the others to be careful you still said it in front of other people. So now I'm stuck with you, huh? The only reason I haven't been exploited yet is because I have three bodyguards. So, Roman, do you know what Logan needs to be happy?"

 

"What? I mean, vaguely..."

 

"No. Answer the question."

 

"...No."

 

"Patton?"

 

"No."

 

"So why am I any different. Why am I just as broad as the term "obedient"? I cant-"

 

"Virgil!"

 

"What?"

 

"I'm a fucking dumbass, alright?" Roman mutters, cracking his knuckles. "I'm sorry. You're a person too."

 

"Yeah." Virgil sits down across the aisle from him, only a few feet apart.

 

"I- don't know what to say." Roman buried his face in his hands again.

 

Virgil shrugs, speaking softer now. "You don't have to say anything."

 

"I- do you think I'd ever have a chance with you?" Roman asks, still into his hands.

 

Virgil says no and Roman laughs bitterly. "Great."

 

"We can try to be friends, Roman. That's always a good first step." Virgil suggests, standing up to get closer to the boy who may be crying.

 

"Ok." Roman looks up at Virgil. "Can- can I hug you?"

 

Virgil nods and opens his arms.

 

….

 

Drama practice.

 

Better known as, Logan's a better damn actor than everyone else thinks.

 

After the initial matter of fact deduction that his boyfriend was obedient, he  finally let the fact hit him as he sunk down on his throne in the light booth.

 

His boyfriend is obedient. 

 

His  _ boyfriend _ , the kid he's known  _ forever _ , the man he loves and is comfortable with- is obedient.

 

Of course that's  _ fine _ -

 

No, it really isn't. It isn't, and Logan has to accept that until Patton feels better. He cannot start a fight [he hates this. They never fight]when Patton is so clearly distressed.

 

But- 

 

How many times has Logan taken advantage of him without even knowing? Without even guessing? How would he not  _ notice _ ? God, he's so stupid-

 

_ "Kiss me."  _

 

_ Patton basically launched himself at him. It was too sudden, too fast, but Logan thought nothing of it. _

 

_ Their first kiss was an order. _

 

All this time he could have done something  _ bad _ without even knowing it. Definite, irreversible shit.

 

How could Patton lie to him for so long? What did he think Logan was going to do? Break up with him? Well… Logan supposed that's a logical fear, though he thought that Patton trusted him. Maybe obedience is isolated, even kept from people you trust. He wants to understand, he really does, but Patton's been lying to him for 13 years and it hurts.

 

His head reels with the effort of looking back and making sure that he'd never exploited Patton- all while writing light cues and hoping Patton would come back before he leaves, he wants to ask him [not tell him, don't worry] if he would like to spend the night with him. That way he can simultaneously keep an eye on him while trying to find the right way and time to let him know that he knows. He wants Patton to be happy, and he wants Patton to know the whole truth, so if Patton decides to break up with him then he would understand[he really hopes that never happens].

 

When the door bursts open and only Patton returns, he realizes this is his chance.

 

Patton utters a small hello before resuming his merciless spinning on the chair.

 

Logan doesn't like how hard it is to ask now. 

 

"So, Patton?" Logan starts, turning around. Patton just looks at him with tired eyes.

 

"Do you want to stay over tonight?"

 

"At your house?" Patton asks, glancing down at his feet "I have- I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so you would have to drop me off pretty early at home."

 

Logan shrugs, "I don't mind. "

 

Patton smiles feebly, but then notices, and widens it substantially. "Great! I'll come then."

 

"Are you sure you want to?"

 

Patton smiles, "Yes."

 

"Really? Because-"

 

"Yes, I do! Jesus, stop treating me like I'm going to break! I'm not, ok?"

 

Logan blinks at the outburst, but smiles. "Alright. Just let me finish up here and then we can go."

 

Patton nods, spinning the chair into the ground.

 

This is going to be interesting.

 

……...

 

Drama practice. 

 

Roman thought it was going well until he had his talk with Virgil- and then it went a bit downhill.

 

Hey, it wasn't the way Roman wanted it to go but- at least him and Virgil are on speaking terms again. Maybe this is better. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be. 

 

No prom, but maybe they can be friends. It's too late for anything else now. Unless Virgil changes his mind. That would be nice.

  
  


But no. 

 

It's okay.

 

They're gonna be friends. They're gonna be great friends, it's gonna be great.

 

…..

 

Drama practice.

 

Patton's glad it's over, and though he was really looking forward to being alone, being alone with Logan isn't so bad either. Logan seems to be the only one who hasn't been acting weird lately. Well- he  _ has _ been, but Virgil is being way over protective and Roman is being weird and sulky so his boyfriend will have to do.

 

On the way out, Virgil and Roman are sitting next to each other in the top row of seats, silently watching the empty stage. Logan asks them on the way out if they want a ride, but Virgil shakes his head, gesturing at Roman. "I'm good."

 

So, Patton thinks with a tiny smile, they've finally made up.

 

Logan grabs Patton's hand, and they walk together to Logan's truck. Patton starts to hum.

 

It's all going to be okay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes :) I don't know exactly how I feel about this chapter but I wrote it at like, midnight, and I think it turned out okay. As always, thanks so much for reading this far and leave a kudos or a comment to let me know how you feel about it!!
> 
> Also Logan has a potty mouth.

Logan wakes up warm, and somewhat smothered, what with a hand smashed up against his face and Patton's whole torso draped over his. Logan's bed is rather tiny, but Patton always says that he'd rather squeeze into a twin then be suffocated in a house with his father. Logan has met Patton's father only a few times, yet is inclined to conclude that is definitely fair.

 

Logan removes Patton's hand from his face gently and slowly so he doesn't wake him up, and places it lower on his chest.

 

As he does this he realizes that sleeping with bracelets on like Patton does(at least when he's with Logan) must be uncomfortable.  _ Why couldn't he trust him? Whatdidhedosowrongthathecantbetrusted? _

 

Logan takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to go there right now. He can't. For Patton's sake.

 

Patton mutters something incomprehensible in his sleep and shifts-inching his hand up to Logan's face again.

 

Logan smiles. Patton is so cute and soft and warm and Logan  _ loves _ him more than himself sometimes. He loves how small he is and that he can fit perfectly in his arms, he loves how fluffy and curly his hair is and how it frizzes in the rain. he loves how he still wears braces, he loves the freckles on his face and back, he loves his undying kindness and optimism, he loves how he hums when he's happy, he loves how he sings in the shower or when he thinks he's alone, he loves how he wears bandaids on his nose just for show, he loves how he wears shiny lip gloss, he loves how he bounces when he gets excited, he loves how he picks huge and ugly dandelion bouquets for him in the spring,he loves the way he looks when he laughs, he loves how patient he is with Logan even when he's being stubborn and petulant-

  
  
  
  


Wow.

 

He's in so deep.

 

He doesn't want Patton to wake up. He doesn't want this to end because of him. He could- he could just say nothing and let Patton maintain his silence and wait for him to tell Logan himself. But-

 

No. That cannot be the right course of action.

 

He had tried, last night, to get  _ something _ out of him- but all his prodding achieved was an irritated boyfriend and Logan didn't want to sleep on the couch in his own house so he stopped. 

 

He doesn't want this moment to end. It feels like the eye of the hurricane, the calm before the storm. Something bad is going to happen this morning, after these last 3 minutes before their alarm goes off.

 

Logan squeezes his eyes shut and holds Patton close to his chest.

 

**Beeeeeep**

 

There it is. Patton blinks sleepily awake, smiling at Logan and pulling his hand away from his face to stretch into a yawn.

 

"Morning, Lolo."

 

Logan nods, petting the smaller man's hair down.

 

He hums contentedly and surges up to kiss him. They do that for some time, and it is good, but then it isn't because Logan could feel the moment Patton remembers whatever was stressing him out yesterday because he tenses up. Logan takes the liberty to pull back.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Patton flinches, his warmth seemingly gone, his early morning pliancy replaced with a ghostly stiffness.

 

"Uh-" Patton starts to get up, rolling off of Logan onto the thin strip of bed that remains. "Not a fan of doctors appointments. You know?"

 

"Sure." Logan nods, Patton swings himself off of the bed and crosses the room quickly to Logan's closet- surveying his "sleepover wardrobe" that has grown quite extensive. Logan watches as he tugs on a pair of jeans and pulls a muted pastel pink crop top out of the closet.

 

He holds it up to his bare chest and twirls to Logan.

 

"Cute?"

 

"Adorable."

 

Patron smiles at him tentatively and tugs the shirt on as well. He musses his hair in the mirror as Logan pulls together something not horrible so he can drive Patton home without feeling underdressed.

 

He decides not to wear a tie because his plans after he drops Patton off are-

 

  1. Worry
  2. Sulk
  3. Probably do his homework



 

"Uh- so what's the doctor appointment about?"

 

"...........private….stuff. yeah."

 

Logan turns to look at him. "Like?"

 

"Really really private."

 

"What? Do you have cancer or something?" Logan asks, seriously, because he's starting to actually get worried here.  It's obvious, obedience aside, that this appointment is actually the cause of all his stress.

 

"No! No it's not- nothing like that. You don't have to worry about that, I'm- not sick. I'm fine."

 

"Not sick? So it's just a checkup?"

 

Patton shrugs.

 

"Is it not?"

 

"Can you please stop asking me? I'm fine, isn't that all that matters?"

 

Logan grunts in frustration. "Just  _ tell me, _ Patton!"

 

It comes out before he can stop it. Patton answers before he can process it.

 

"I'm getting my name removed from my wrist."

…

 

…

 

...

 

"Fuck." Logan mutters. Patton looks absolutely mortified, staring at his own hands with wide eyes.

 

"Shit, Patton I didn't mean-"

 

"Shut up!!!" Patton screams, loudly. Logan glances over his shoulder at his bedroom door.

 

"Be quiet! Jeez-"

 

Patton looks up at him in betrayal.

 

"Wait, no, Jesus Christ, be as loud as you want-"

 

"Just- just do it." Patton whispers, interrupting him.

 

Logan sinks down to his knees, level with Patton, who had sunk to the floor in a daze.

 

"Do what?"

 

"Break up with me." Patton says simply, looking down, "It's ok. I get it. I've lied to you."

 

"No, Patton, I don't want to break up with you."

 

Patton blinks again. "You-you don't?"

 

"Never, Patton. I love you."

 

"But- I lied to you… this is so  _ big _ and you deserved to know but I was  _ scared _ but- this is worse…"

 

"Patton, I already knew." Logan mutters, reaching out to touch his cheek, but Patton jumps back.

 

"You  _ what _ ?"

 

"I-"

 

"Who told you?"

 

"I figured it out on my own-"

 

"Oh." Patton closes his eyes, trying to prevent tears from leaking out. "I- I can't do this right now. Just...just take me home, please."

 

"Okay, do-"

 

Patton shakes his head and stands up abruptly. 

 

"I'll wait in the car." Logan turns to see his rapidly retreating boyfriend.

 

"Patton, wait-"

 

Patton stops abruptly as if he was grabbed around the arm. He sniffles loudly.

 

"Goddamnit!" Logan growls, frustrated "Go ahead, okay?"

 

Patton nods and scurries away.

 

Logan stares at the empty doorframe.

 

Now that Patton knows that Logan knows, it seems he was letting each order Logan uttered hit him hard- because he had  _never_ noticed before- so Patton was either a better damn actor than everyone thought he was, or Logan is just too goddamm dense to ever notice in the first place.

 

Logan quickly composes himself and follows Patton outside.

 

It's all going to be fine. Patton is just stressed and- upset but...he doesnt want to break up so-

 

_Itsallgoingtobefine._

 

The car ride was silent, and for the first time since Logan could remember, Patton didn't even say goodbye.

 

Though Logan isn't religious, he utters a quick prayer as he watches Patton enter his house. He has a bad feeling about this appointment.

 

He hopes nothing goes wrong.

.....


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I love you all so much❤ I cant believe we made it to 200 kudos! You are all my motivators to actually finish something haha, since I always give up or lose inspiration, but all you guys' input and love are propelling me forward! As always, drop a comment or a kudos to let me know what you're feeling :D (always up for a discussion)❤❤

It's here!

 

Everything has gone to crap because of a stupid desicion on his part but-

 

It's here!

 

And it can't get any worse than this, huh? To be honest, it isn't even that bad! Patton still has a boyfriend and his friends still love him, so it's fine, and soon his wrist can breathe and he won't have to worry-

 

He'd always been confused at his Dad's tactics because everyone knows his name anyway, but in all fairness, no one had ever suspected him before and he doubts they will now-

But he's never really thought things through.

But-oh God, all Patton has been doing lately is snapping at the people he loves so it might not matter anyway because he'll come back and have no friends.

 

He climbs into the passenger seat of his Dad’s second favorite sports car and tries not to look visibly nervous. His dad likes to latch onto weakness and pounce on it like a vulture. Pounce? There must be a better word for that. Logan would know.

 

They pull out of the driveway in silence and all Patton can bring himself to do is play with his bracelets in shame. 

 

His dad clears his throat and Patton looks at him. 

 

“Radio?” He asks, voice softer than it usually is, a dull grumble instead of a sharp roar. 

 

Patton blinks in surprise before shaking his head no. “Uh- no, no thank you.”   
  
His dad nods, looking back at the road. Patton has a headache so pop music would be torture at the moment, but Patton knows why his dad asked in the first place...silence is horrible. Now they’ll have to talk to each other and they’ve never really been good at that. Patton never joined any sports teams, and he’s not interested in business, and, well, he doesn't really know what he’s going to be doing with his life even though he’s already in his senior year. They don’t have anything to talk about.

“Are you excited?” Patton’s dad asks, puncturing the silence once again. 

“No.” He says immediately, then thinks better of it. He has to be excited because according to his father, he’s been waiting for this all his life. He tries to take it back- “I mean-”

  
“Well, you should be. This has been a very expensive process, son. And you’ll be free, finally.”   
  
Free is a stretch, though it will be better in the long run, he knows that.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The silence wears itself thin over the next ten minutes before conversation is attempted again.

 

“How’s uh- your little boyfriend treating you?”   
  
Patton’s going to be honest. His dad was not thrilled when he learned Patton had started dating, even less so when he’d realized it was a boy. His dad’s stages of grief had always  _ started _ with bargaining so he’d tried everything to get Patton away from Logan, a new puppy (which Patton had loved until it had ran away), a bigger bedroom, a car(even though he can’t drive), a date with a rich model(now one of his close friends), the ice cream bar- which he all gave him without warning- and then threatened to take them all away from him if he kept it up. Well. Patton refused and he kept all of the loot anyway. There must be some part of his father that loved him because he’d never ordered him away. 

 

Maybe he thought since he himself was gone so often, Patton might as well have someone to keep him company.

 

But Patton isn’t sure why he’d ask him about Logan now.

 

“Fine.”   
  
“Ah.” He nods. 

 

Patton nods too, but he’s not sure why.

 

“Does he know about you?”   
  
Patton nods slightly, not inclined to lie.   
  
“Ah.”   
  
“I- I uh didn’t tell him though, he figured it out on his own…”   
  
“Jesus christ, Patton was it that obvious?” Agitation starts to line his tone and Patton panics.

 

“No! I- I was just  _ really nervous and he noticed  _ because he knows me so well and I don’t usually get nervous and he asked me what was wrong-”   
  
“As- as long as you trust this man, I suppose.” His father grunts. No time for arguments, they’re already there. They pull into a decrepit strip mall parking lot and park in the shadiest spot, as to cover them as much as possible. 

 

Anxiety weighs down on his chest. What if someone sees him? Someone he knows? Someone who knows him? He’d be doomed.

 

“Get up and follow me, Patton. Don’t speak to anyone unless I tell you to, alright?”

 

Patton pulls himself out of the car but he feels as if his obedience is taking over his body and his brain is somewhere else entirely.

 

They enter through the facade of a Planned Parenthood center and the inside  _ also  _ appears to be a Planned Parenthood center, so when he’s told to wait in the waiting room while his dad checks him in or whatever, his only entertainment is a pamphlet about STDs.He decides not to touch it.

 

No one else is in the waiting room with him so he feels better about the whole thing, knowing that no one else has seen him here.

 

Soon he’s whisked away into a room with what looks like a dentist chair. There isn’t any equipment sitting out. The room is barren other than a few cabinets. The tools and stuff must be in there. A kindly looking man in a white lab coat smiles at Patton and tells his dad to wait outside. His dad allows Patton to answer any question the man might have for him and then the two are alone. The older man smiles again and nods towards Patton’s arms. 

 

“Hello, Patton. Please start removing your bracelets, if you will.” He will. Patton notices that this was phrased as an order, but the man is smiling and nice so he doesn’t think twice of it. 

 

“So, Patton. Are you a senior this year?”   
  
Patton nods, even though the man is faced away from him. “Yeah.”   
  
“Do you know what you’re going to school for yet?”   
  
Patton absolutely hates this question, but it seems to be the only question that adults know how to ask high schoolers. I guess it’s been a long time since they were in school and they don’t remember how annoying the question is. 

 

“Not yet.”   
  
The man laughs jovially, and Patton hesitantly joins in. When the man turns back to the chair Patton notices he’s holding a little black box. 

 

“Now, Patton, I’m going to need you to close your eyes.”   
  
Patton’s heartbeat spikes. This doesn’t seem right. He sits up straighter on instinct. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Close your eyes Patton.” 

 

He does, and all is silent for a few moments until-

 

_ Click _ .

 

He hears the sound of a shutter, and his eyes pop open.

 

“What the fuck did you just do?”   
  


Now Patton doesn’t usually swear but he spends his time around Logan Sanders and on his bad days, the f word is as commonly used as a comma.

 

The man laughs again but it’s no longer a comforting sound. “It’s alright Patton, calm down.”   
  
He feels his heart rate slow again, but regardless he hisses, “Did you just take a picture of me?”

 

“Give me your arm.” Patton’s arm obliges.

 

The little black box clicks again, seemingly taking a picture of his name, and Patton jerks his arm out of the man’s grip.

 

“You’re a horrible person.”   
  
The man shakes his head sadly, turning away again.. “No I’m not, this is just how the way the world works, kiddo.”   
  
“Don’t call me that.”   
  
The man comes back with a bandage which he places on his still intact mark.

 

“I hate you.”   
  
“I’m sorry, I really am. You seem like a good kid.”   
  
“What are you going to do with those pictures, then?”   
  
The smiles in a would be sympathetic way. “Send them to the government. You’re unregistered completely, which is strange unto itself.You’re unique, Patton. Isn’t that great?”   
  
“You don’t have to do this- I’ll lose everything-”   
  
“Kid, I’m sorry but it has to be done. Here’s what you’re going to do. You are going to tell your dad that it went well and it didn’t hurt a bit. Soon, he will get a call. He will go to jail for criminal obstruction, and you will be registered. Fom now on you will be recognized as obedient. Alright, son?”   
  
“No.”

Jail? His dad is going to jail because of him? He- he'll be so mad...and- if the school knows then all of the kids will know and it will be  _ dangerous _ to go back to school because- well they could do  _ anything _ to him and no one would be able to stop it!

 

Oh no oh no oh no-

 

_ Why _ him? Why is it always him?

 

He feels a pang, for the first time, of what Virgil must have felt when they so liberally used his name on school grounds. Terror.

 

Oh god.

 

Oh  _ god _ .

 

Will he have to live alone? Will he have to get a job? Learn to drive? Patton hopes to heaven that Logan doesnt abandon him. He'll be defenseless. Maybe- well-

 

Maybe Virgil will be able to help?

 

"Hey, It's alright son." The man places his hand on Patton's shoulder, "Try to steady your breathing. Ok? You'll be fine, you didn't do anything wrong. Ok? Everything is as it should be."

 

_ Just leave me alone.  _

 

"......alright."   
  
“Good boy.”   
  
He pats Patton on the head twice and lets him go.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey my lovelies. Sorry but its gonna get worse before it gets better. Also I dont think many of you read this but thank you to the people that do. School starts tomorrow for me so uploads may be slower. They also may not. Idk. Anyway, drop a comment or a kudos to let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading❤! Do you think I should edit the earlier chapters to get new readers roped in?

**_Ringggggggggg_ **

 

…

 

**_Ringggggggggggggggg_ **

 

Virgil's eyes snap open and search for his alarm clock.

 

3:24?

 

Virgil groans and smothers himself with his pillow.

 

**_Ringggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg_ **

 

Yet his phone is insistant.

 

"Okay! Jeez-"

 

Virgil freezes. Wait. Patton's appointment is today… it might be him. Suddenly with more urgency, Virgil gropes his bedside table for his phone. He picks it up on the fourth ring without checking the i.d.

 

"Pat?"

 

"Huh? No. It's Roman!" Roman is entirely too loud for 3 in the morning so Virgil opts to hold the receiver a ways away from his ear. He squints at the resulting flood of blue light.

 

"Yeah, hi, do you realize that it's 3 in the morning?"

 

There's silence for a few seconds, and then a more hushed version of Roman's booming voice replies. "I didn't. But I had an idea and i had to call you. I often lose track of time."

 

"Ok."

 

"I'm going to tell you now?"

 

"Ok."

 

"Great!" holy fuck he's shouting again, Virgil jerks the phone far away from him once more, "I was thinking we could hang out tomorrow...well-today to become better friends! Would you want to? Because I really want to know more things about you without making you uncomfortable and my siblings have heard alot about you and my mom will be there so like I- you'll be totally safe and- yeah."

 

"Slow down." Virgil groans, closing his eyes again "It's too early to think."

 

Roman laughs and Virgil can recognize for the first time that it's a sound that he could learn to love if it wasn't-

 

3:32 in the morning.

 

"I just- You were totally right. I don't know you and I really really want to."

 

"Ok, just- I-" Virgil pauses, exhaling slowly and screwing his eyes shut tighter. "Ok. I want to know you too."

 

"Really? Wow! I mean. Okay. Awesome. "

 

Virgil giggles.

 

Since when has Roman been so endearing? In his own strange loud and horrible way.

 

Oh right. Maybe when he realized that treating people like an elusive albino deer that he very much would like to shoot and mount on his wall as a trophy in a controlled temperature isolated room so his beautiful white fur wouldn't get a speck of dust on it, safe and sound, silent and pretty- is not a good idea.

 

"I'll pick you up and you can spend the day with me and it will be perfect and we will become best of friends!"

 

"Roman?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Sounds great but I'm going to sleep now. Cool?"

 

"Oh yes! Sleep. I'll pick you up at 8?"

 

Virgil giggles again, and he wants to slap himself.

 

Virgil doesn't  _ giggle _ . He's too hardcore to giggle. He only wears black and straight irons his hair. Those types of people don't giggle.

 

"Sure. And Roman?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You should probably sleep too."

 

"Oh. Right."

 

"Goodnight, Roman."

 

"Sleep tight gorgeous!"

 

"Hey!"

 

_ Click _ .

 

Bastard.

……

 

Roman knows this isn't a date. Of course it isn't. It's very specifically  _ not  _ a date. Couldn't be any further.

 

But-

 

Virgil makes Roman weak in the knees, so to speak, even in platonic situations. And he  _ knows _ that he shouldn't think of Virgil romantically anymore because he was horrible, but he can't help it. He's so pretty and fragile- someone to hold tight but mind they don't shatter. Everytime the kid wears black lipstick, it takes everything left in him to refrain from telling him to leave stains on Roman's neck.

 

Anyway.

 

This is going to be fun. An anti-date with Virgil all to himself, and so soon. He pushes down his nerves and tries to sport his best smile as he sets off down the road.

 

Roman cranks up Chicago and rolls down his windows.

 

Isn't it great to be  _ young _ and  _ free _ ?

 

_ But, did you do it? _

 

_ Not guilty! _

 

_ " _ He had it coming!"

 

Roman howls along to the cell block tango, and even though he's loud, he still gets easily swallowed by the buzz of the world. Imagine if he was quiet?

 

That would be horrible.

 

……..

 

"Pick up, goddamnit!" Logan slams his phone down onto the couch, letting it bounce several inches back into the air before it lands safely in the crease between the cushions. He throws his head back and groans.

 

Logan feels old. He feels creaky and tired and irritable. He feels trapped by his vow to not invade on Patton's privacy without his express permission to. If he had his way, he would be at his door right now-but alas.

 

It has been 6 hours since Logan had dropped Patton off, and after giving him a respectable amount of time he shot him a text.

 

_ Done yet? _

 

And if Patton had simply not responded, then fine, he would have let him alone no matter how much he would have rather burst down his door and see for himself what was happening. 

 

But what he got was-

 

_ Went wrong i'm at home and safe but my dad wont he for long i'll call you ok i love u ok xo _

 

Of course this isn't ideal on its own, but he texted back a few times-

 

_ I love you so much. _

 

_ Patton, please tell me what is going on? _

 

_ What is going on? _

 

_ What went wrong? _

 

_ Is this medically speaking or otherwise? _

 

_ What happened to your dad? _

 

_ Patton? _

 

_ I am going to call. _

 

_ Please pick up, Patton. _

 

_ If you are there and you want me to stop just tell me to. I will not br upset. _

  
  


And then all he could do was wait for a call- but so far there has been nothing of the sort.

 

Now he's on his bathroom floor, a sliver away from a breakdown, calling relentlessly.

 

He has a feeling he isnt going to get an answer.

 

This isn't fair.

 

………..

 

"THIS ISN'T FAIR!! STOP!" Screaming, and he's still not loud enough. The police secure cuffs around Patton's father's wrists.

 

They did not receive a call. What did happen was a squad car rolled up their driveway and three people came up to their door and, instead of knocking, decided to bust it open by force. Patton and his father were merely eating spaghetti in a stilted silence- but it seems that they were expecting them to be hiding or something so when their sniffer dog just ran up to their table and started eating garlic knots they looked a little put out. So back to now, where Patton's life is casually being ripped apart at the seams, they're restraining his dad like he had killed a man. To his credit, he's putting up a valiant fight to maintain his dignity.

 

"Patton, what the  _ hell _ is going on?" His father is very calm given the circumstances, and Patton is very not as he is yelling at scary large police men.

 

Patton shakes his head. His father hisses air out through his teeth quite violently.

 

"We have a warrant out for your arrest, sir." Says one of the men and Patton just whimpers despite his urge to just  _ scream _ . He wants to go all out damsel in distress or horror movie victim, shrill and horrified- as that would mirror the turmoil in his mind and churning stomach. He wants it to stop. he wants to call for help,  _ somehow _ .

 

But no one can help now.

 

"May I ask why?  _ Sir _ ?"

 

"Of  _ course _ ." The man mimics Patton's father's spiteful tone. "You bribed government officials, obstructed this young man's identity for 18 years, and then attempted to deface government property. That is why."

 

"My son isn't government property." His father states, eerily calm. In any other circumstance, Patton would feel bad for anyone receiving that tone from his father.

 

"Technically, he  _ is _ sir."

 

"My _son_ _isn't government property_. _He's a person._ "

 

"Sir you are going to have to come with us." A hand on his arm.

 

"Wait." Patton whispers, reaching out, embracing his father for the first time in so long- love blossoming in his chest for him. This whole time-

 

He wasn't so bad after all, was he?

 

"Dad-Im so sorry. I'm so so sorry this is all my-"

 

"Hey- no  _ I'm _ sorry Kiddo.I love you, Patton. Shh...don't cry. Chin up. You'll be ok. Use your brain." He uses his cuffed hands to encircle his face, to force him to make eye contact. "Can you do that for me?"

 

"I will-"

 

"Sir." The man pulls his father backwards, away from Patton, wrenching them out of each other's embrace. "We need to go."

 

 "S-stop-"

 

His father spits on the ground at his captors feet. They shove him out the door. One of the men places his hand on Patton's shoulder in what's supposed to be a comforting gesture. Patton lurches out from under him.

 

Patton doesn't scream, he can't. Instead he cries violently. His life is over! That's it. His life is over. It's all gone. He's not going to be safe in his own house, at school, or anywhere. He's dead in the water.

 

The second officer snarls, "Stop your sniveling,boy." As they walk out the front door and Patton stops wailing abruptly.

 

The last officer of three pets Patton's hair in a disgusting attempt to be consoling and utters the most condescending sentence Patton's ever heard directed at him since he was a 1st grader- "and you'll be a good boy while your dad is gone, right champ?"

 

Patton wants to scream- "I'm not a dog!" Or- "I'm eighteen years old!" Or maybe just bite the finger now poking his cheek in anticipation for a reply.

 

(Who fricking does that?)

 

But he just nods, helpless.

 

This is the worst day of his life.

 

The officer laughs and ruffles Patton's hair again. "I knew you'd come to your senses. Oh, and- throwing tantrums isn't cute on you, kid, fyi."

 

_ You took away my  _ **_dad_ ** _ , you son of a- _

 

And then he's gone, and then the car with his dad in it is gone, and suddenly everything's gone and he's alone and humiliated and scared and furious and sad and violated and just  _ so small _ in a giant house.

 

Shakily, he sits down where he stands, in the middle of the empty breezeway. He's drowning in air, gasping for breath all the same, while his stomach eats itself- filled with teeth instead of butterflies. He can barely see through his tears. Now that everything is quiet, all he can hear are his horrible thoughts. He needs someone.

 

He needs Logan.

 

Virgil and Roman never need to see him like this. 

 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket for the first time since he had texted Logan last, and nearly has a heart attack.

 

34 missed calls.

 

He immediately calls Logan back.

 

"Logan?" His voice is weak. Pathetic. Patton hates it.

 

"Patton! What happened? What's wrong? Are you hurt? What happened to your dad?"

 

"Logan! Hey-" Patton asserts and he sounds better,stronger, more like himself. He can do this, right? "I think it would be easier if we talked in person, you know?"

 

"Uh-"

 

"So-uh-" Patton coughs, trying to adopt his sexy times voice to further cover up his weakness. Maybe Logan would bite the hook and somehow distract both of them from Patton's impending doom. "Why don't you come over, sweetheart? We can, uh- talk,  _ and stuff." _

 

Logan doesn't jump on the sexy times train, which is relieving in a way. He instead sounds even more concerned. "Are you gonna be okay until I get there? Do you want me to bring pringles? Or chocolate or, what else do you like?"

 

"You don't need to get me anything."

 

Logan makes a noise that Patton doesn't have the energy to decipher. "If you aren't going to tell me now I'm going to come over. Ok?"

 

"Yeah. I guess."

 

"I love you."

 

Patton almost starts crying again. How? How can he love this?

 

"I love you too."

 

"I won't be long."

 

"Mhmm."

 

"Goodbye, love."

 

Patton hangs up.

 

This is it. He has 1 and a half days left before his premature death. He should do something interesting.

 

But he can't even move.

 

If he just dies on this couch right now, he wouldn't be surprised. But he won't, he'll make an effort not to. He'll wait for Logan. Maybe he'll know what to do. He always knows what to do.

 

Yeah.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think this is horrible it's okay I do too. I had like really bad writers block and didn't know how to write this and at this point I'm fed up enough to post it even if it isn't my best. I really apologize because the next chapters are going to be alot better. I love you all!

Virgil is convinced that Roman's house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. The facade looks respectable, one story, maybe three bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room and a kitchen- but the moment he stepped inside it felt immense. Not in the same way that Patton's house feels immense because Patton's house is simply enormous, but it opened up into a living room where there is a grand fireplace with everything revolving around it- and there must be 7 doorways branching off into hallways with more doors. It feels like a labyrinth and he hasn't even been past the breezeway.

 

“Welcome to my humble abode.” Roman gestures while kicking off his sneakers in a disorder. 

 

“Thanks.” Virgil neatly lines up his second hand vans on the mat provided. Everything else is neat and orderly. Apparently, Roman can do whatever he wants.

 

Roman _can_ do whatever he wants.

 

Imagine growing up like that? He could have, in his childhood ignorance, said something bad that he couldn’t really take back. He could have told his mother and father to back off- to go away or to never speak to him again. He could have told them to buy him the newest toy, or buy him a car or a timeshare or something stupid like that. Even now, he has complete control over them.

 

Wow.  
  
He could have turned out _really bad_. 

 

Virgil recalls the commercials and pamphlets in the past years about discouraging obedient- obedient relationships. Virgil thought it was simply propaganda but maybe there’s a real reason. If there’s any obedience in your genes, there’s a chance- a tiny sliver of a chance that you’ll have an obedient child. The same goes the other way around. Couples like _that_ could birth literal demon children.

  
Virgil grimaces. If Virgil ever has a kid with someone that’s obedient, he thinks he might adopt. Just in case. 

 

“Come, meet my family!” Roman shouts from the kitchen. Virgil had apparently zoned out, staring at the shoes. Smooth, Sanders.

 

Virgil shakes his head to clear it of the sludge, and follows the sound. The kitchen is small and cramped, yet it just radiates coziness. At the table is a little girl, about five probably, scribbling sloppy makeup on barbie doll coloring pages with crayon. At the oven is what Virgil assumes is Roman’s mother; donning an old timey housewife-like dress and an apron. She’s humming while salting a pot of water for pasta. Roman greets her and she turns, smiling widely.  
  
“Hello, Virgil. Nice to finally put a face to a name!” She chirps, sticking out her hand- the wrist with her mark on it on full display.

 

_Cynthia_

 

Virgil hopes she doesn’t notice him looking. He’s never seen it being flaunted so casually, even at home. His mom always has hers covered with a circlet of medical tape and Virgil halfheartedly covers his scar with a band aid. You can still see his name if you try really really hard, but Virgil never leaves the house without his hoodie, and he always has a box of rite aid bandages on the ready for situations such as when he had slept over at Patton’s. 

 

He shakes the offered hand hesitantly, smiling with half of his mouth. “Nice to meet you, Miss Prince.”  


“Awe, so polite.” She grins wider. “Well, make yourself at home, Virgil. I’m making spaghetti. Do you like spaghetti? I can make something else-”  
  
“Spaghetti is fine. I love pasta.” Virgil nods, feeling strained.

 

Maybe it’s not him feeling strained. The air in the room feels stretched thin. He glances at Roman, and he doesn’t seem to notice.

 

“Wonderful! Well, you boys can hang out and I’ll call you when lunch is ready! I’ll be right back. I’m going to call your father, honey. He’s been having some problems with the car.”  
  
“What’s wrong with the car?” Roman questions, turning away. Virgil and the little girl lock eyes. She blushes and looks down, scribbling harder. He slowly approaches her, and she lowers her head so far that her forehead touches the table.

 

“Hey.” Virgil murmurs. “Whaddya drawing?”  
  
The girl whips her head up distrustfully, little eyes narrowed into a glare. “Nothing.”   
  
“No, it’s far too pretty to be nothing.” Virgil smiles softly.   
  
He’s not good with kids in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like them. He does. They just don’t usually like _him._

 

She lets a tiny smile at that, covering her wrist distrustfully all the same. Oh.  
  
“You know I’m like you right? I have my name on my wrist too.”   
  
“Really?”   
  
“Yeah.” Virgil nods. “You don’t have to be scared.”   
  
“I wasn’t!” She huffs, shoving the drawings at Virgil. “I was practicing.”   
  
The barbie girl has purple crayon all over her face, and pink on her lips.

 

“Very pretty.” Virgil nods, smiling as she pulls more and more out of her stack to show him, each more horrendous than the last.

 

“Want me to do yours?” She looks at his face critically, and Virgil feels oddly scrutinized under her gaze. Virgil laughs nervously.

 

“Uh-”  
  
“Looks like you’ve met Anna!” Roman cuts in, putting his hands on Virgil’s shoulders and pushing him to the side. “Virgil doesn’t want a makeover right now, honey.”   
  
Anna shrugs and goes back to coloring.   
  
“You want to hang in my room, Virge?” Roman asks, flicking his shoulder and then walking past him. Virgil follows.

  
In his room is another boy lounging in a desk chair and watching Judge Judy. Roman jumps to introduce them to each other.

 

"This is _Justin_ . He's going to trade school to be a plumber." Justin peers at Virgil through his eye lashes. He's the opposite of Roman, tall and long limbed and tan- hair buzzed to the scalp. Roman is as pale as sand and kind of short, not that short because Virgil is still shorter than him, but most boys their age are still taller. Roman’s hair is _long_. Usually he keeps it up in a bun, but Virgil has seen it down on a few occasions and it’s- oddly fitting. He never thought that hair that long would look good on a boy.

 

Virgil notices that Justin simply has a band-aid over his name. Hopefully when he goes out on the town or whatever his defense is less flimsy.

 

"Plumbers make good money, bro." His voice is lighter than Virgil expected it to be, coming out of a body like that. Virgil supposes that he still _is_ Roman's brother. "Nice to meet you Virgil. I've heard a lot about you.”

 

“Good things?” Virgil asks, jokingly, kinda jokingly.

 

“Oh,” Justin nods, turning back to Judge Judy “Stellar.”  
  
“Can we have the TV?” Roman asks after a few seconds and Justin rolls his eyes while simultaneously rolling backwards on his desk chair.   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Let us have the TV.” Roman replies bluntly, and Justin throws the remote at him and stalks out.   


Virgil, now suddenly uncomfortable in his skin, lets Roman lead him to the bottom bunk, where they both sit with their backs against the wall. Roman flicks through channels.

 

So maybe Roman does control them. Or maybe he didn’t even realize what he literally just did?  


“Do you wanna watch a movie? Or… maybe we should wait. Mom’ll have lunch ready soonish.”  
  
Virgil shrugs.

 

"Okay, then- wanna play a game?" Roman asks slyly, nudging Virgil's leg with his own. Virgil lets his gaze slide from the tv to Roman's face.

 

"What kind of game?" Virgil asks, glaring down Roman suspiciously until he breaks out in little giggles.

 

“To get to know one another, you know? That was the point. Wasn’t it?”

 

Virgil shrugs again. He doesn’t feel good. He doesn’t even think it has anything to do with Roman. Virgil draws his knees up to his chest. He’s getting soft. He only feels a bit disturbed by Roman’s abuse of his power. He doesn’t have the energy to be mad at him anymore, he thinks he may have used it all.

 

“Ok. I’m going to ask _you_ a question and then you can ask me one. Okay?”

 

“Like- twenty questions?”

 

“Yeah but I’ll probably get bored before twenty.” Roman shrugs. 

 

“Okay. Shoot.”  
  
Roman turns down the TV volume, turning dramatically to face Virgil. “Okay! Oh, I need to think of a good one…Oh, I know!! Do you have any spicy secrets about Logan? You’ve known him _forever_ .”   
  
Virgil grins, picking at the knee of his ripped jeans. “Ah. Well- there is _one_ thing…”   
  
“OH! What is it?”   
  
“He ate jam straight out of the jar.”   
  
“What?”   
  
“Like- he sharpied his name on the lid and some mornings instead of eating breakfast, he would just shovel jam into his mouth like a maniac. I tried it once- but jam is too sweet for me anyway.”   
  
Roman laughs, biting his lip. “Serious? Like it’s pudding?”   
  
“Basically.”

 

“HAH” Roman laughs loudly.  It wasn’t that funny, but Virgil appreciates that Roman at least pretends that it was. “Your turn.”

 

“Uh. I guess, on the subject of Logan, how the hell did someone like you meet my cousin?”  
  
Roman scoffs, fake offended, and he scoots closer to Virgil just to be closer to Virgil. “Well, he’s very smart, you know.”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“And I am not.”   
  
“Okay that isn’t true.” Virgil says obligatorily.

 

“And he was an 8th grade tutor in math. I was already friends with Patton, and Patton was in love with Logan already so I heard about him a lot, and then I started thinking of him as a friend.”  
  
The tightness in Virgil’s chest increases at the mention of Patton. God. He hopes he’s alright. 

 

 “Okay. Your turn.”

 

“Ahhohk ummm, what’s your favorite musical?”  
  
“I don’t really listen to musicals.” Virgil shrugs, Roman seems scandalized. To take that look off of Roman’s face, Virgil concedes with one of the only ones he has heard of. “But I guess Hamilton. What’s yours?”   
  
“Oh. I’d have to go with- Music Man for the classics. I like the big flashy shows. Like Chicago- ooh and Cabaret. Oh, and I like Beetlejuice too! DId you know they made Beetlejuice into a musical?”   
  
“Now I do.”   
  
“It’s a dark comedy, you would really like it.”   
  
“Wow.”   
  
“You’re a- dark little dude, Virgil.”

 

Virgil shakes his head, not really wanting to argue the point.

 

“Sure.”  
  
“Ok, my turn. Uhm. _IfIwouldhavegoneslowerwouldyouhavegoneoutwithme?”_ Roman says this very fast, yet Virgil hears it in absolute clarity. _  
_   
Of course. Of course.

 

“Sorry?”  
  
Virgil knew it. He’d bring it up. Why did he even entertain the thought that he wouldn't?   
  
“I- what’s your favorite color?”   
  
“If you want to talk about it, I guess we can.” Virgil says tiredly. “I’m just pretty much out of energy and really anxious right now so don’t be too dramatic. Alright?”

 

“Darling, I am the epitome of drama.” Roman winks, yet his smile is wavering. Roman is so insecure.  
  
Roman is insanely insecure, and in this moment- Virgil can see right through him. He doesn’t comment on it even though the revelation is a big one. Virgil had read something about actors before. Allegedly, they’re the most attention starved people you can meet despite the persona they display. Maybe this is true.

 

Maybe Roman’s just lonely, in his own way.

 

“Maybe.”  
  
“Maybe what?”   
  
“If you had talked to me then I maybe would have gone out with you.”   
  
“What? Really? For real?”   
  
“Roman. That’s an if. You’re too late.”   
  
“Oh. Yeah. I’m sorry.”   
  
“You don’t have to be. It’s my turn.”   
  
“Oh. Yeah.”   
  
Roman looks put out, though.   
  
Virgil sighs. “Hey. Can I hug you??”   
  
Roman nods. “Always.”   
  
Virgil leans forward. He’ll say it. He’s extremely touch starved. Even though Patton constantly ruffles his hair and occasionally offers a hug and Logan often touches him on the shoulder and hand in conversation, when he hugged Roman in the Auditorium, it really started to burn. It was an itch. He needed it again.

 

His mom doesn’t like touching. His dad was some rando in a bar.

 

He didn’t, until this year, have anyone to hug him.   
  
He’s in his arms, on his bed, his face in his neck, his arms latched behind his back. Roman smells like cinnamon. The air feels wrong. It all feels wrong. Something’s wrong. Roman’s chin is on Virgil’s hair. Roman’s hands are rubbing Virgil’s back. Hugs aren’t supposed to last this long. Roman’s shirt is wet. Virgil’s crying.

  
Since when was he crying?   
  
  
He’s shaking, Roman’s panicked, he’s worried _about him_. 

 

“Virgil? What’s wrong? What did I do?”  
  
“I- I’m- fine- I’m-”   
  
“No you aren’t-”   
  
Virgil hadn't cried in a while, and a lot of shit has gone down that warrants it. This is just the _worst fucking time to break down ever Virgil what the fuck._

 "I- I'm sorry." Virgil pulls back, trying to breathe through his nose to calm down. He's never been very good at that...calming down. He needs to figure out a better way to cope. "Thank you."  
  
He sniffs, pulling his sleeves over his hands. "I just- I'm worried about a lot of things right now."

Roman pauses. One second, five seconds, ten seconds... "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"I can't. But thank you. I- I need to call Patton."  
  
"Okay." Roman scoots back again, a bit subdued. "Why?"  
  
"I feel- I feel something in my chest. It's like- not anxiety- but a wrongness. I don't know what it is."  
  
"And Patton will?"  
  
"I- I don't-"  
  
"ARE YOU BOYS READY FOR SPAGHETTI?" Roman's mom calls from the kitchen. Roman looks at Virgil, unsure.

 

"It can wait."  
  
.......

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like literally don't hate me I know it's terrible. I need an editor😂


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo, I can't believe we made it to 250 kudos, you guys are the absolute best, I swear<3\. Also I may or may not have been having a mental breakdown (not really) last chapter so if you read it within the first 20 minutes it was posted then the ending is a LOT DIFFERENT now. Like, a crucial detail is different. It was stupid so I changed it. I love all of you with all my heart!! Remember to drop a comment and a kudos if you're liking it!!
> 
> If you need to contact me for anything, this is my email!
> 
> jmbuisness21@gmail.com 
> 
> because as far as I know there is no messaging system on this website. I check my email regularly so I will reply to you.

Patton shut his phone down completely after he hung up with Logan so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. The buzzing from social media and his various apps were giving him anxiety, making him fear that people already knew and were trying to talk to him-

so he just shut off the voices and dropped them behind the couch. 

 

After that, a sort of deadly quiet pursued him, trying to lull him to sleep, yet every time he closed his eyes he saw the faces of everyone he knew mocking him, and scorning him, and hating him. He stopped trying.

 

He turned on the TV after that, watching the shopping channel instead of any of his favorite shows because they would probably only succeed in making him sadder.

 

He was numbly watching a balding man try to sell a commemorative set of 20 pennies for 40 dollars when his doorbell rang.

 

He gets up with great difficulty- all of his energy zapped for no good reason- to open the door. It’s Logan, of course, with a crease between his eyebrows and a walmart bag full of snacks in his hand.

 

All Patton can do in the moment is fall into him and start sobbing right there in the doorway. They sink to the floor together, right there. Logan drops his snacks to rub Patton’s back. His lips trail around his hairline, whispering words of comfort and kissing him. Logan is so strong and sturdy and all Patton can do is hope that he never leaves him. 

“Let’s move to the couch, my love. I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”   
  
Patton shakes his head, trying to burrow deeper into him. Logan pulls him up. Patton doesn’t let go, so Logan closes the front door with a great difficulty, and instead of shuffling with Patton to the living room, he decides to pick him up. Patton squeals, but then sighs and lets himself be babied because that’s all he is isn’t he? A whiny baby.

 

Logan sets him down on the couch, and Patton lets him stand back up because he’s being awfully clingy, isn’t he? Logan retreats to go get his snacks, and he hands them to Patton. He’d brought both chocolate and pringles. He’s so nice. He’s so  _ thoughtful _ . Patton’s so useless.

 

“Patton.”   
  
Patton opens the Pringles can viciously and starts shoving them into his mouth out of stress. Logan looks on with great concern.

 

“Patton!”   
  
“What, Logan?”   
  
“You  _ need _ to tell me what’s going on. I’ve never seen you like this before in my life.”   
  
“I’m not happy all the time, Logan! Surprise!”   
  
Patton’s state of catatonic sadness has passed, and suddenly he’s just really really mad. 

 

“I don’t expect you to be.”   
  
Patton scoffs through a mouthful of Pringles. “Sure you do, everyone does.”   
  
“You’re human just as much as the rest of us, Patton. We know that.” Stop. Stop looking so  _ worried. _ Patton can handle himself. “Please.  _ Please _ . Would you tell me what's going on?”

 

Is he human just as much as the rest of them?

 

Patton ignores him, turning so his back is resting against Logan’s chest, so he can feel him but he doesn’t have to look at that stupid expression on his face. Logan’s arms slowly encircle Patton but it feels more robotic, an instinct, than anything. The longer Patton just doesn’t say anything, the longer those arms will stay there.

“This is so unlike you.” Logan mutters, not really for Patton to hear, but he did anyway. Patton rips himself out of his grip. 

  
Logan squeaks in surprise.

He explodes in all of his insecurities, spewing them at Logan for no other reason than the fact that he's there. "Well, maybe you don't know me then! Maybe you never did. Maybe I'm a different person now that I don't have to keep a character up. Huh? Maybe I'm a jerk and a horrible person! Maybe I've never loved you and all I've ever been doing is using you because I can't do math! Maybe I'm just a piece of crap bottom feeder who was using you as a shield and- and-”  
  
“Patton, that’s _bullshit_ and you know it.”  
  
Patton shakes his head furiously, trying to get Logan to look at him like he normally does. He’s blinking hard.- “What if it isn’t?”

“ _ Bull shit.” _

__   
“No! I hate you, Logan! I hate you so so so much and I never loved you and your glasses look stupid, and-! And-”   
  
Logan looks at him, in the eyes. Patton melts again.

 

“I’m lying.”Patton sighs. 

 

“Just let me help you. I won’t leave you behind. Ever. I love you.”

 

Patton almost starts crying. He’s in between being furious, and sad, and just not feeling anything at all.   
  


“My dad’s in jail.”

  
“He  _ what? _ ”

Patton looks down, unable to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. "The school knows my identity. The whole thing was a trap to catch unregistered obedients and obedients on the run. We walked right into it. I'm dead. I don't want to bring you down with me. Please just leave me. Don't love me anymore. I'm broken and defective and  _ not  _ what you signed up for."

  
“Why are you broken and defective?” Logan snarls a little on the words he utters. Patton knows it’s not at him and that it’s at the words.   
  
Oh no. Logan’s going to try and talk him through this. Read the room, idiot.

Patton sighs, responding anyway. “I’m- not supposed to be like this. Obedient. I wasn’t supposed to be. I’m just- messed up.”

  
“Is Virgil defective and broken too? Messed up?”   
  
Patton jumps to defend his friend. “Of course not! He’s perfect just the way he is!”   
  
“And so are you.”

 

Patton’s face goes up in flames.   
  
“That’s different!” He says weakly, letting Logan reach out to pull him back against him. 

 

“How?”   
  
“My dad-”   
  
“Doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s not your fault you were born like this. It’s society’s fault that they treat you so bad.”   
  
“Okay.” Patton resigns, starting to get lost in the darkness of Logan’s shirt. 

 

“Look at me, Patton.”   
  
Patton’s head jerks up to meet Logan’s eyes. He decides not to mention that slip up to Logan as he didn’t seem to notice it himself. That would just make him mad at himself and then he’d probably just keep saying the f word.

 

“I signed up for  _ you _ . Every part of you.”

 

That's the most romantic thing  _ever_.

 

Patton sniffs, grinning slightly. “Why are you so good at this? I was supposed to be the emotionally stable one.”   
  
“I learned from the best.” Logan leans forward to simply brush his nose with Patton, which just makes Patton laugh for real because it’s the sweetest thing  _ ever _ .

 

“I love you.” He giggles, kissing Logan’s jaw and then his ear where he had gotten it pierced a few months ago, which is also adorable.    
  
“There you are.” Logan grins, kissing Patton’s forehead. “We’ll get through this shit, I promise.”   
  
“I believe you.” Patton sighs, letting Logan kiss his neck, leaning his head to the side. “You’ll always keep me safe.”   
  
“And you me.”   
  
Patton smiles, letting out a breath. Logan pulls the glasses off of Patton's face and placing them aside, and continues to trail his chapped lips all over his face, kissing his cheeks and eyelids and lips and nose and that spot behind Patton's ear that makes him shiver in pleasure. He closes his eyes and lets it happen, making him forget somewhat what he was worrying about. Warm, gentle touches. He starts to drift off.

"Patton-" Logan whispers, cruelly stalling the tirade. "Hey- you can't go to sleep yet."

"Mm-why?"

“We need to make a plan.” Logan says, suddenly stiff and all business again. Patton’s smile falls.   
  
“Yeah.”   
  
“Are you going to go to school?”   
  
“I mean, is it safe?” Patton plays with his bracelets.   
  
Patton thinks about it. Will everyone actually know that he’s obedient or will just the teachers? Will the teachers out him? There wouldn’t be a  _ reason _ to, would there?    
  
“I don’t know. I could walk you to each class, and Roman’s in most of your classes.”   
  
“I’ll bring a hoodie.”   
  
“How’s that going to help?” Logan laughs, and then he audibly stops himself. They can't laugh about this.   
  
“I don’t know, just in case. It works for Virgil. No one noticed him, did they?”   
  
“I guess not.”   
  
“Just- we’ll go with it. Okay? I need to see how much danger I’m actually in or if I’m just blowing it out of proportion.”   
  
Logan nods, seemingly not satisfied, but accepting. “Alright. Should we tell Roman and Virgil about this? So they can know what to expect?”   
  
“I will.” Patton yawns, indefinitely tired, gripping Logan’s arm. “But not right now.”   
  
As the two slept, Patton’s phone was collecting missed calls like the forgotten Twinkie a few inches away was collecting mold.

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two give me life. also why did I write a moldy twinkie metaphor


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter was hella fun to write! I haven't had the chance to write a scene with a prominent dynamic between Logan and Roman yet, so this kinda flowed out of my fingers. I hope you like it!
> 
> ALSO SPECIAL THANKS TO KOMODOVORAN FOR BEING MY NEW BETA READER! They're magnificent, and I am extremely grateful for them.
> 
> And hey, we're sooo close to 300 kudos, do you think we can do it?? You guys are so so amazing! Remember if you like it to drop a kudos and a comment to let me know what you're thinking!

Roman takes a bite of a breakfast Twinkie while taking in Virgil with  _ bedhead _ . It’s adorable. Virgil is always adorable, but sleeping?   
  
Tenfold.

 

The only problem is that Virgil, even sleeping, looks  _ worried _ . He went to sleep worried, so Roman supposes that some of that soaked into his dream and now he’s worrying in there too. In fact, he was so worried that he accepted to sleep over at Roman’s house so he wouldn’t have to be alone, which would probably not happen in any other circumstance, knowing how much he doesn’t trust Roman. The fact that he accepted coming over was a splendid surprise, and the fact that he hugged him even more so(even if he was crying, Roman will still count it as a win). They spent the rest of the day watching movies and worrying and calling Patton over and over again, for what reason Virgil wouldn’t say but Roman senses that it’s real. As a result, Roman is slightly worried too.  

 

But not  _ too _ worried. Virgil is always anxious, anyway. This might just be another one of those irrational moments, a blip. Maybe Patton’s phone just died, and Logan's phone also died at the same time- assuming they’re probably together at the moment. Virgil had called Logan’s mom and she had said that, yes, they are together but she didn’t know anything else. Left with no more options Virgil called Patton’s dad and surprise, he didn’t pick up. He’d made Virgil watch Steven universe until he fell asleep, and eventually Roman fell asleep too. 

 

It was nice.

 

Roman starts unwrapping another Twinkie, lounging a respectable distance away from Virgil’s sleeping body- when Virgil’s phone starts ringing. Roman lunges to answer, the loud noise sure to wake up his little emo if he left it to ring. Virgil flips over but doesn’t wake. Good.    
  
“Yeahlo?”   
  
“Roman?”   
  
“Logan?”   
  
“Oh I was confident that I had called Virgil, I apologize--”   
  
“Wait, nerd. You did. He’s just sleeping.”   
  
Logan sighs deeply, deeper than a sigh should ever be. “Oh. Patton is too.”   
  
“Rough night?” Roman asks, amused. “Or was it a  _ nice _ night? I mean- what else would have kept you from answering Virgil’s 20 something missed calls?”   
  
“Shut up.” Logan growls. He’s never really taken nicely to teasing about, you know,  _ that. _ He feels like it’s not anything to joke about. As a result, Roman tries not to, though sometimes he can’t help it. It’s probably to hide his own frustration, though he wouldn’t admit that. 

 

He glances at Virgil. He’s looking a bit less worried, his face less scrunched up. Roman stands up and walks to the bathroom so he can talk louder. 

 

“Am I right, though?”   
  
“Not. Now.” Logan hisses. “I’m not in the mood. What did Virgil want?”   
  
“He was worried about Patton. If he’d have checked his phone he would see like- a million missed calls and texts.”   
  
Logan sighs, sounding utterly defeated. Roman can’t tell if it’s genuine, because sometimes he does this guilt trip thing to make Roman shut up. “Well I don’t know where that is.”   
  
“What’s wrong with him?”   
  
“Nothing.” Logan says quickly.

  
  
  
  
  


Logan has never been good at lying.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“What’s  _ wrong _ with him?”

 

“Why is Virgil with you?” Logan says, changing the subject so fast that Roman can hear the underlying edge in Logan’s usually steady and reliable tone. “Is he at your house?”   
  
“As a matter of fact- yes. He is.”

 

“Why?”   
  
“Dunno.”

 

Logan blows air through his nose, or at least it sounds like it. He can almost see the expression on his face, as he’s seen it so many times. Utter exasperation. Yet Roman isn’t sure why he’s wearing it right now. 

 

“What, nerd? You afraid I’ll corrupt him?” He sounds defensive. Why did he sound defensive? Roman meant it as a joke, he really did...yet it didn’t come out that way.

  
“Listen, Roman. I don’t care what you do, just don’t-” Logan pauses, reevaluating. “ Just please be kind to him, Roman. I haven’t told him this enough but- I love him. I regret many things that have happened in my life in regards to Virgil- I want him to be able to trust us. To trust _ you _ . Even though next year he’ll be alone… we should be here and steady for him while we are still in school.”

 

“He’s not a charity case.” Roman mutters, turning the bathroom sink on and off absentmindedly. That’s one thing that Roman had to learn the hard way. 

 

“I wasn’t saying that he was. I was saying that his life is hard and he needs good friends to get through it.”   
  
“Fair.” Roman says, looking over himself in the mirror. “You- you’re right, Logan.”

 

Roman looks closer at his reflection. He’s still pretty. He’s always been pretty... Never handsome. Logan’s the handsome one, Patton’s the cute one, and Roman’s the pretty one. The pretty boy with the smooth round feminine face, full lips, straight teeth, and long long eyelashes. The boy who wears nail polish and intricate eye makeup. The boy who likes to sing on stage. The boy who likes to wear skinny jeans and colorful t-shirts. The boy with the shoulder length hair. Gay.

 

Pretty boy.

 

Gay.

 

Same difference.

 

No matter how gay he is, however, he can’t seem to find a boyfriend. Virgil seemed like a  _ godsend _ . A sweet little thing with some problems that Roman thought he knew how to fix- you know, become the prince of his dreams or his knight in shining armor? Well. He couldn’t. He couldn’t save him. More specifically, Virgil didn’t even need saving.

 

If anything, Roman did.

 

“Thank you, I know.” Logan says bluntly, and Roman bursts out laughing.

 

“What?” Logan sounds bewildered, his now truly even voice barely intelligible above Roman’s wheezing. “I am.”   
  
Chuckling loudly, Roman sits down on the toilet seat “I love you, you- you socially challenged genius.”

 

“Oh- uh- I love you too, Roman.” Roman can see the slight blush on Logan’s face just as well as he can hear the smile in his words. Roman’s known Logan way way too long. Or maybe just way too well.

 

“So uh- can Virgil and I drop over at Pats? I think he’d feel a lot better if he saw--”   
  
“No!!”   
  
…

 

“No?”   
  
The suspicion crawling on the back of Roman’s neck returns in full force.    
  
“I mean- not right now. Patton would prefer that-”   
  
Roman stands up, pointing a finger at his reflection triumphantly- “Aha! There  _ is _ something wrong! And- and  _ I  _ seem to be the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on.”   
  
His triumph fades. What the hell’s going on? He sits back down on the toilet, defeated.   
  
“Are you guys all hiding something from me?”   
  


Logan doesn’t answer.

 

“Logan.”   
  
“No.”   
  
Roman laughs again, but it’s devoid of the joy from a few seconds ago. “I’m going to ask you again, all you all not telling me something?”

 

“I can’t say.” Logan replies hesitantly.   
  
“You perfectly well  _ can _ , idiot! Tell me.”   
  
“Wow, look at that, that doesn’t  _ work with me _ .” Logan seethes, snapping finally. Roman can hear the raw pain in his voice but his fury overrides his reasoning. Of course. Of course everything isn’t adding up. They’re all in on something without him. What the hell?   
  
“Oh, really?” Roman needles, anger flared up past control- he can’t  _ believe _ that Logan’s implying that Roman would ever- he wouldn’t ever- not anymore...“Well guess who it  _ does _ work with?”

 

…   
  
“Roman, you can’t be that fucking stupid.” 

 

“I’ll leave him alone if you tell me-”   
  
“What if it’s none of your business?”   
  
“Patton’s my friend too! Of course he’s my business!  _ My _ friends are  _ my _ business!”

 

“No they aren’t! They aren’t! Do you ever learn?”   
  
“Hah, and what do you mean by that?!”   
  
“They’re not your business unless if they want you to be, Roman! No one likes it when you just- inject yourself into things! You need to ask first, Roman! You need- you need to ask first.”   
  
Logan mellows out again, and Roman can’t bring himself to continue yelling at his friend.

 

Especially if Logan backed down first. They fight all of the time. They're polar opposites, almost. Usually it’s in good fun, you know, but not any less intense- and Logan  _ never _ backs down. Something must be really wrong. Virgil’s right. Roman can almost feel what Virgil was explaining yesterday. Wrongness. Wrongness that he can't fix.

 

Helplessness. 

 

He softens his tone. “Hey, are you alright?”

 

“No.” Logan says simply-”Hold on.”

 

Roman hears a sleepy Patton muffled by the distance.

 

Good. At least he isn't dead.

 

“Patton says hi, and that you and Virgil don’t have to worry about him.”   
  
“Oh.” Roman says quietly, nodding to himself. “Alright. Tell Patton we love him.”

 

“Umm.” Logan says, sounding embarrassed- Patton must have heard most of their conversation. “We’ll uh- see you tomorrow at school. Okay?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll uh- I’ll make sure Virgil knows that Pat’s ok. We won’t bother you anymore.”   
  
“Don’t worry about it.”   
  
“Okay. Love you.”   
  
“Yes. Farewell.”   
  
“Bye.”   
  
Roman lets Virgil’s phone fall into his lap. Well.

 

Patton’s okay, but Logan doesn’t seem to be, and because Virgil’s out of the loop he’s stressed out, and because Roman doesn’t know what’s going on he’s mad even though he doesn’t really want to be…

 

And

 

God. Roman hopes Virgil didn’t hear a word of that. 

 

Did he literally threaten to order Virgil to tell him what was going on?   
  
Logan’s right. Roman needs to  _ stop _ doing that.   
  
He exits the bathroom, relieved to see Virgil still sleeping soundly on the bottom bunk.

  
Roman resists the urge to pet his hair, instead resting on his shoulder to shake him awake. He needs to tell him about Patton- and then maybe they can go and see a movie.    
  


 

...but you know, as friends.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mild mild mention of self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes, it's been a hot minute but I needed a break to regroup. Sometimes I place my self worth on the success of a chapter a little too much? Also, I know this fic is getting really long- but thanks to everyone who has stuck with me to this point because you guys are the literal best!! I think my goal is for the endgame length to be between 25 and 30 chapters... so we're almost there folks!
> 
> The next chapter is going to be a big one, this is a bit of a bridge. 
> 
> As always please leave a comment and a kudos to let me know what you think! They make my day!!!

Patton wakes up and immediately wishes he could go back to sleep and never wake up. Or better yet, stay on this bed forever in a kind of half awakeness, secured in Logan’s strong embrace, protected from the world and everyone in it.

 

But no. School.    
  
He closes his eyes again quietly, burying his nose in Logan’s neck and taking in the smell of him. He didn’t shower last night (Patton wouldn’t let him leave), so he smells of his subtle cologne and paper and sleep. Patton’s mouth is painfully dry, but he leaves a kiss on Logan’s neck when he draws back anyway, causing Logan to stir. Two sharp eyes blink open blearily, resting on Patton.    
  


“Morning, honey bee.” Logan mumbles, pressing a kiss to Patton’s hair, starting to drift off again. He must be exhausted. Patton mentally kicks himself. This is his fault.

 

“Lolo, you hafta wake up.” Patton gently jostles him the best he can from his position.    
  
“Stay here today?” He asks, gripping the back of Patton’s shirt possessively “Safer.”   
  
“We’ve gotta do this, baby.” Patton replies sadly. “It’s- as you would put it- the control group. Right?”   
  


Yesterday, they had discussed this day at length. It’s going to be hella dangerous, but both Patton and Logan agreed that they needed to access the damage  _ while _ Patton was present. Also, if nothing was revealed yet it would only be more suspicious if he wasn’t there. He’s going to wear what he normally wears and act how he normally acts- just hoping that nothing happens. Logan is going to walk Patton to each class- indefinitely beyond this point. Even if it goes well, Patton will still be in danger every day of his life and Logan doesn’t care if he’s late to his AP calc class anymore. None of that matters anymore.

 

They’ve still refrained from telling Roman. Logan looked really guilty about it, too, and Patton feels bad but- he’s going to find out eventually anyway. Maybe they’ll tell him at Drama after school. 

 

Logan clenches his fists tightly in Patton’s shirt, shaking his head. “I’ve changed my mind.”   
  
He sounds totally awake now.    
  
“I can homeschool you. I’m smart enough. I can teach you everything here, after school, and make sure you graduate. It’s only a few more months-”   
  


“Logan.”   
  
“I don’t want you to go to school anymore, Patton.”   
  
“I need to.”   
  
“No you don’t! This is bullshit. It’s all going to go wrong...Patton I _ can’t  _ lose you.” Logan whisper-yells, words still harsh even though they are somewhat quiet.

 

“You won’t.” Patton replies gently, reassuringly- though those are his worst fears he won’t let Logan know that. Suddenly he’s back in emotional control. Finally. For long? Maybe not. Definitely not. “You know I’ll be here as long as you want me to be.”   
  
“It’s different now.” Logan mumbles, now clutching desperately at Patton’s hair.

 

“No, it isn’t. Get up. Come on.” Patton rips himself away from comfort, sitting up and staring at the carpet and at his bare feet. Never has a Monday seemed so daunting. 

 

Logan just turns away, either trying to sleep again or staring at the wall- sulking and thinking simultaneously. Never has there been a time where Logan has wasted his time on solely sulking.

 

Today’s going to be rough- but they’ll be okay. Everything--

 

Everything’s going to be fine.

 

…………..

 

Everything is going to shit and Virgil can’t even figure out why. Roman told him that Patton is fine and that he’d see them at school and explain everything there, so when Roman dropped him off at his house after the movie they’d seen (it was horrible, but Roman liked it so Virgil pretended to at least mildly enjoy it), he’d tried his best to stay calm. Lately, with Logan’s help, Virgil has been developing ways to relieve his anxiety, especially when it’s completely unfounded. Breathing techniques, stories, stargazing- He had half a mind to just call Logan to talk to him, but surprise, his anxiety overrode the urge to get rid of his anxiety. Logan has better things to do than talk to him, like...tend to Patton. Patton is and always will be more important than him in any capacity. 

 

He’s eating breakfast, which is unusual in itself since he never eats breakfast, or lunch, or- well...he eats dinner but it’s usually Chinese food or something. His mom bought fruit last night so he’s eating strawberries now...not particularly because he’s hungry but because he needs to do something with his hands so he doesn’t chew his cuticles bloody again. His mom sits across the table from him, hunched over her phone, and looking miserable as usual.

  
She looks so much older than she is. She looks maybe fifty, or sixty, grey streaks framing her face and highlighting the roots of her raven hair. Her face is lined heavily and permanently tired, but she’s quick to smile and Virgil still thinks she’s quite pretty when she does. She was the  _ best _ mom, you know? She’d play pretend in the living room and make blanket forts and take him to the park and make sure that he had good clothes even if it meant she didn’t eat for a few days. But then the world started eating away at  _ her _ . She was depressed when she had Virgil- _ because of Virgil _ \- but she used to be good at hiding it. Of course Virgil was a mistake, why would she want to bring a baby into this cruel world, especially if there’s a chance that it would be obedient like her? He was an accident, he never should have existed.  Maybe his mother would have been happier if he was never born. When Virgil became older she became less and less involved, working more hours, bringing home more money but less of her. When Virgil started cutting his wrists to cover his mark(and maybe lose himself a little), she barely noticed or cared. Her tunnel vision has been set on and  _ only _ on feeding him since he turned 11- which he supposes is good because he may have starved otherwise. She works as a bartender where her name is displayed and used. She rarely gets tips. She works her ass off to provide for Virgil- to give him clothes and food and hot water… but he can’t love her the way he used to.

 

He  _ wants _ to love her the way he used to but it’s hard-

 

All he can see when he looks across the table is himself in 20 years.

 

A twisted mirror. 

 

She had him when she was 19. She’s only 36 now. 

 

“Momma?” Virgil whispers feebly across the table, scared that a loud noise would startle her.   
  
“Yes, baby?” She looks up from her phone, face somewhat serene until she sees the expression on his face- “What’s wrong?”

 

_ Everything, mom. Everything’s wrong. I want to leave you and never look back. My friends won’t be here next year, I’ll be alone again. Why can’t I go with them? Patton’s in trouble and everything feels wrong and I don’t know how to fix it. You’re supposed to know how to fix it, momma, why can’t you fix it? Why can’t you be here when I need you? Why can’t I be more grateful for what you’ve done? Why am I such a horrible person? _

 

“Can I stay over at Logan’s tonight?” Virgil asks, offering a small smile in return to hers. He can never tell her what he feels. She would try to help and even though she’s the toughest person he’s ever known- she might shatter.

 

“Yes, of course, sweetheart.” She returns Virgil’s gesture, smiling sweetly, “I’m so happy you boys are reconnecting.”   
  


“Yeah, momma. Me too.”   
  
“Do you like the strawberries?” His mother gestures to the plastic carton in the middle of the table, eyes already back on her phone, already drawing back, already leaving him again.    
  
“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Thanks, mom.”   
  
She waves a hand, as if to say “it was nothing”, but then she’s gone again, stuck in the world in the screen on her phone. 

 

He leaves the table and she doesn’t notice, opting to wait for Roman on his doorstep. Virgil had texted Logan about picking him up that morning but he’d never responded so he turned to his last resort (well not the last resort but he does  _ not _ want to take the bus), his idiot friend Mr. Prince… who has lately been quite nice to him. Normal. Not creepy.

 

Well, not completely normal but Virgil can tell he’s trying. 

 

His house itself probably jump-started his depression. It’s dark and small and musty and horrible. Now that he has friends that invite him to their houses, he’s going to take advantage of that until they leave. When they do, he’ll have one more year in the trailer park and then maybe he can go to college on a math/science scholarship and move far away where nobody knows his name and never will. 

 

Roman finally pulls up his driveway and Virgil climbs in shotgun. Monday has never been so daunting. Roman feels it too, he can tell.

 

“Are you ok?” Roman asks softly, backing out of the driveway.

 

“Not really. The damn obedience group is today and I hate those. I’m worried about Patton and Logan. I have an essay due today that I didn’t start yet.” Virgil shrugs helplessly, “The works.”   
  
Roman winces on Virgil’s behalf, surprisingly not cranking his soundtrack of Titanic the musical, his latest “underground+obscure” musical obsession. “Is- uh- anyone going to tell me what’s wrong with Patton?”   
  
Roman had asked this at least 20 times yesterday, Virgil refused to answer him once. He’s only grateful Roman didn’t snap and  _ tell _ him to answer, which Roman of a few months ago would have done in a heartbeat.

  
“Maybe. It’s Patton’s place to tell, not mine.”   
  
Roman sighs, “Damnit Virgil, all I want to do is help.”   
  
“I know.”   
  
They drive in silence for the rest of the ride, parting ways the moment they step into the school doors.

 

Well? Time to face the music. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys we are SOOO Close to 300 kudos i love you soo so much


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. It's been a while. I missed everyone! I hope that this break didn't reduce my readers or anything but I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> I'm gonna finish up this book real soon because I really really want to finish something for the first time because I start things often and never finish them. 
> 
> BUt school is stressful so it may take longer than I plan it to.
> 
> As always, remember to leave a kudos and comment to let me know what you're thinking!!

Patton likes quiet places. Libraries, department stores in the mall, cafes at 4 am, the light booth far after everyone else has left, his thoughts and an empty stage-

 

It’s funny really, how much he likes it, especially since he despises the silence. Silence is home alone without his dad. Silence is sleeping alone in a king sized bed. SIlence is that stupid doctor’s office.

 

Quiet is a buzzing liveliness, but one without noise. Perfect calm. Not alone but trapped in serenity. 

 

Libraries have people turning pages, breathing together in a symphony of calm. Cafes have tired art students, sketching the unwitting cute girl from a table over. Macy’s has a low murmur of voices, a clicking of heels against ceramic, the buzz of fluorescent lights. The light booth has Logan, beautiful and focused- and his. All of these places have Logan.    
  


Okay, yeah, if he’s being completely honest, he likes the quiet because his boyfriend does- but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t learned to find himself in it too. Any other day the quiet of the senior lounge would be a thing for the two to enjoy together, sipping coffee (or hot chocolate) and holding hands- free of any ridicule because it’s too damn early to be in school anyway.

 

But today it’s different. Logan’s still sulking and Patton can’t really do anything but be a presence next to him on the senior lounge’s best couch, posing as some sort of weak reassurance. 

 

“Guys?”   
  
Logan physically jumps, pulling Patton closer to him, before he looks up and sees the perpetrator. It’s Virgil. The grip doesn’t loosen.

 

“Hi Virge!” Patton smiles, sitting up as straight as he can within his restraints. “Umm, where’s Roman?”   
  
Virgil shrugs, sitting on the couch next to Patton. “Your guess is better than mine.”

 

He doesn’t say anything further, just pushing himself up against Patton’s side for comfort. Logan doesn’t acknowledge either of them. Virgil looks like he wants to say something...or maybe everything, hands quivering and playing with themselves- distracted. Instead he takes out his cracked iphone 4 and plays geometry dash.

 

The app’s music and the pressure on either side of him makes the silence lessen. He’s safe when he’s with them.

 

8 o’clock approaches ever faster, however, and soon there’s people everywhere and everything is just loud. Patton isn’t offended when Virgil distances himself from him, they’ve always just ignored everyone who’s ‘poked fun’ at Logan and him, but of course he doesn’t want Virgil to be roped into that.

 

Soon it’s time for Virgil to go to his first class, Patton and Logan have pseudo-study hall so they don’t have to go as early. Virgil stands up, coughs and turns away.

 

“Bye Virgil, see you at lunch!” 

 

Virgil nods, takes a step, then turns back. “Fuck, I’m sorry, but  _ what’s wrong _ ?”

 

Patton breathes in gently through his nose, opting to keep it short and sweet. “The school knows, the appointment was a front.”   
  
“Fuck me.” Virgil mutters, sitting back down. “Oh my fucking  _ god _ , what’s going to happen? Are you okay?”

 

Virgil groans and throws his head into his hands. Patton’s heart drops to the floor, beating and bloody. In sympathy for Virgil of course, but also in sympathy of the life he lost in minutes. He puts an arm around Virgil’s shoulder. He can comfort himself by comforting others.

 

“I’m- I’m fine for now. I think I  _ will  _ be fine, too. Logan’s walking me to class all day, and the teachers won’t let anything happen...right?”   
  
Patton glances at Logan who nods tiredly in response, “Right.”   
  
“It’ll just get better from here Virgil. There’s no reason the school would announce my obedience to everyone- seeing they all already know my name… No reason.”

 

“Patton, people are  _ mean _ .” Virgil just short of whimpers, voice cracking on the last word.

 

“I know.” Patton knows. Maybe not in the same way that Virgil does, but he does. His dad was mean, those homophobic kids in his class are mean, as well as the homophobic teachers. Those people who spit on him and called him a f** because he wears pink. Payton Harris, who gave Patton a black eye behind the school in freshman year because Patton had unwittingly complimented his new shoes and that was “gay”. The guy at the appointment. Those people who broke Logan’s glasses for kissing a boy in public, or try to steal his notebooks and throw them away because he’s “too smart”. 

  
Those people are mean.

  
But not all people. Patton always tries to remember that. 

 

And Virgil has had it far worse than him. 

 

“Please just go home.” Virgil pleads. “It isn’t safe.”   
  
Logan straightens his glasses. “We know. This is what he wants to do- so we’ll try our best to make sure it goes okay. If all else fails, we will complete his diploma from home, but he’d rather try to go on as normal. I support his decision.”   
  
Patton giggles. “He doesn’t like it though.”   
  
“I don’t either!” Virgil hisses. 

 

Patton squeezes the kiddo closer to his side, Virgil closes his eyes. “It’s gonna be fine. I have three strong friends to protect me. Okay?”   
  
“And you’re strong too.” Virgil mutters.

  
_ No I’m not. _

 

“Thanks, Kiddo.”   
  
The bell rings.   
  
Virgil hugs Patton full on for the first time in a while, and then scurries off before either Logan or Patton can respond. 

 

“It’s not too late to go home.” Logan whispers against Patton’s neck.

 

“We can do this.”   
  
A scuffling comes over the speakers, and Logan’s head perks up to listen. A nasally voice floods the mostly empty halls, bored and dejected sounding- “Mr. Patton Hart please report to the office. Thank you.”

 

Suspended in space, Patton doesn’t hear what Logan says next because his brain is overcome with a dreadful fuzziness that feels like it's spilling out of his ears and covering his eyes. This is what terror feels like.

 

He's starting to get used to it.

 

……

 

Fear is a new feeling to Logan. He doesn’t have much to fear, if he’s being completely honest. His entire family is free of obedients , except for extended family such as Virgil, and he himself isn’t one so he’s never had to worry too much about his well being. Sure. He lives on the outer edges of a city in which he goes to high school, and there’s crime, and bullies, and overall shitty people, but he’s never felt in danger. He’s never felt true fear.

 

Not until this weekend. Not until now.

 

His boyfriend is walking towards the mouth of the figurative beast, the heart of the administration, and Logan doesn’t know how to stop it. Ordering him to stop would only put him in pain, force him to choose one thing to disobey over another.

_   
_ The only thing he can do is-

 

“Hey nerds.”   
  
Roman? 

 

“Roman?”

  
The boy in question is carrying two iced coffees and a hot chocolate, grinning apologetically. He must have went back out to get them after dropping off Virgil.  
  
“Uh. Yeah.” Roman’s smile falters when Patton walks past him. “What’s up-ahem- what’s up with him?”  
  
Patton keeps walking. Roman laughs nervously. “Is he okay?”  
  
“Not particularly...no. He- ” Logan trails off as Patton disappears down the staircase. Feeling awkward, he takes an iced coffee. “Thanks...I’m going to- uh-”  
  
Roman exhales violently through his nose.  
  
"Yeah, fine. Don't tell me. It's fine."  
  
"Roman don't be an idiot." Logan cranes his neck around Roman, watching Patton walk away.   
  
"Yeah, dumbass Roman wouldn't understand."  
  
"Stop being like that for two seconds- can we-" Logan grabs Roman, spinning him around and threading an arm through the loop of Roman's. "Okay."  
  
"Where are we going?" Logan walks as fast as he can, alongside his more reluctant friend who's main concern is not spilling Patton's hot chocolate. "Logan- hey! You're freaking me out-"  
  
Logan nods at his english teacher as they pass. It takes everything in him not to sprint.  
  
This can't be as bad as he thinks it could be, right? There's plenty of obedients in the school, they're all fine, right? Fine.  
  
"God help me you guys are  _crazy_ -"  
  
"Shutupshutup-"   
  
Logan unlatches himself from Roman and walks faster to catch up to Patton- who is just opening the door to the main office. Logan goes to follow him in.

  
"Mr. Sanders, hello! What's your business?" The main office woman( who Logan is confident has a crush on him) stops Logan from going any further.   
  
"Uh-" Logan, who is famously bad at talking to people, just gestures after Patton, who disappears into the Principals office as he stands there, helpless. "Can I-"  
  
"Sorry sweetie, you can't go in there with him. Anything else?"

A stifling glare yields no response so Logan retreats back to a bewildered Roman.  
  
"Are you going to-"  
  
"No."  
  
Roman angrily sips his iced coffee.

......

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to my friend Komodovaran for the amazing beta read :D


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy yeah it's been a month, hopefully everyone is still with me :) Writers block has been sucky, but strangely only on this story. It's more of a problem of knowing what I want to do with this book... like it needs a driving force that will take everything to the end. Either way, thanks to all of you who have read this far! It means the world to me that freaking literal thousands of people have at least been interested enough to even start to read this...like wow. Freaking crazy man, before this story, the most people who have read my writing was myself and my mom. I love all of you so much, and be sure to drop a kudos and a comment because I love reading the comments haha.

Virgil slams his backpack down in the ‘group’ room, three periods of hell and now he can’t even eat lunch because there’s some more mandatory hell scheduled for him to sit through.    
  
Is that humane? 

  
Can he make a case against this?

 

What is he thinking? He’s obedient. No one cares about them. 

 

They start filtering in slowly, in varying states of annoyance. Kristine isn’t even here today.   
  
This sucks.

 

 The counselor isn’t the usual one today, she’s a younger woman with a thin face and dark hair. She doesn’t bother with passing around articles. She instead stares at her fingertips as they tap against each other. About right when the bell rings, a boy in a hoodie sits down next to him.    
  
Strange. He’s trying to blend into the chair. Virgil would wonder why he’d never noticed him before, but sometimes when people try hard enough not to be noticed- they aren’t.

 

“Hey guys.” The woman waves awkwardly at the room. Many laugh spitefully back. Only the boy next to Virgil waves, albeit it being a tiny wiggle of the fingers.

 

Virgil just sinks lower into his chair.

_   
_ “Well.” The woman nods to herself a bit sheepishly, “I’m your new councillor, Mary Jane. Why don’t you all go around the room and introduce yourselves?”   
  
Virgil sits up. “No? That’s not okay.”

 

Her eyes widen a tiny bit as she nods, playing with her shirtsleeves.    
  
“Oh, oh- yeah. I meant with your new  _ code names _ ! Of course. Oh! And to make it fun, you should pick an animal  that shares the first letter of your name! So we can all remember and- yeah. I could be- uh- Monkey Mary Jane! You can start, young man.” She gestures at Virgil.

 

Virgil looks at her, trying to gauge her tolerance.  “Parker.”

 

“Ah! Who’s your animal kin, kind sir?”   
  
“Parakeet Parker?” It doesn’t fit Virgil’s aesthetic, but it’ll do.    
  
They go around the circle, reluctantly sharing their ‘names’ until it comes to the boy next to him, who stutters out a “Flamingo F-Frank”

 

“Very good, kids!” Mary Jane claps her hands together happily, “Now-”

 

“Wait-” A blonde girl (Jellyfish Juniper, Jaguar was already taken by Jason) on the other side of the room interjects- “Is that _Patton_ _Hart_?”

 

Mary Jane’s face preforms what Virgil would call the physical equivalent of a record scratching. 

 

Virgil’s head snaps to the kid next to him, and suddenly realizes that there’s no mistaking it. Patton’s curls are sneaking out of his hood, his bracelets are jingling under Roman’s navy blue drama hoodie, his sunny scribbled-on converse are tapping nervously.    
  
“No.” Patton whispers pitifully, shrinking into himself. “Definitely not.”   
  
“It  _ is _ .”   
  
“Children.” Mary Jane stands up. “Stop.”   
  
They don’t.

 

The boy next to Patton pulls his hood down, revealing Virgil’s distraught-looking friend.   
  
“Awe, he’s  _ crying _ .”   
  
Patton wipes his eyes defiantly. “No, I’m not!”   
  
“Ha. Like he’s ever had it bad?” The blonde stands up and stalks forward, getting in his face, “Daddy’s little boy, huh? Have you ever even had to worry a  _ day _ of your life?”   
  
Patton throws his head in his hands, Virgil starts to stand up, pissed. “Okay, stop it.”

 

His voice comes out sounding weak, though the intention behind it was anything but.   
  
“Oh yeah, you’re one of his minions, aren’t you?” The quiet kid with the green hair pipes up, “His followers?”   
  
Virgil recoils. “Followers?”   
  
“Oh yeah, you wouldn’t know, would you?” The blonde sneers, turning to Virgil instead.    
  
“Know what?”   
  
Patton shakes his head, “Nothing.”   
  


“He picks up the losers and “helps” them. The nerd, the gay kid, you...and, well, the others… he picks them up and makes them untouchable because of his father’s influence, and ignores everyone else.”   
  
“Yeah, once I was getting beat up and  _ Patton _ just walked away.”   
  
“Once I tried to talk to them, they just- gave me weird looks.”   
  
“He thinks he’s god’s gift to humankind, but he’s just a jerk.”

“We should tell everyone.”   
  
“They probably already know.”   
  
“He’s rich, they probably kept it hush.”   
  
“Well he’s  _ here _ , isn’t he?”

 

Patton’s hiding in himself, covering his ears and quietly shaking, Mary Jane is trying to shout over the growing mob of children, Virgil is frozen- his anxiety taking over his limbs and dragging him down- encouraging him to melt into the floor like he always does. Useless, charity case, Virgil who can’t even stand up for himself, much less someone else he cares about. 

 

And of course he was a pity friend. What else could he be? Sure, he’s better now, but when they picked him up he was a mess. He is still a mess, but less of a mess.

  
But enough of a mess that he can’t even speak. 

 

Mary Jane screams “Stop!!”   
  
And Virgil’s inner Logan just about slaps Virgil across the face.   
  
“She’s obedient.”   
  
No one hears him, of course, they’re too busy-

 

“Make him look us in the eyes, he’s  _ ashamed of who he is _ , he’s  _ ashamed of us _ .”

 

“Stop!” In one fluid motion, Virgil surges forward and shoves his arms out in front of him. The action pushes the blonde backwards, and she stumbles back a few steps before straightening up indignantly. Virgil steps in front of his friend. No one else has any words left to say that mean anything. He’s here, and if the playing ground were level, maybe he would be like this all the time- able to bring people to a standstill with only a word! God. He’s the one in power here.

 

And,  _ damn _ . It feels  _ good _ .   
  
“We’re going home.” Virgil whispers, holding out a hand.    
  
Patton only blinks at it, eyes distant and slightly watery. “What?”

 

Patton is so strong because he cares so much. Virgil knows, even after these hateful words that he’s been subjected to, Patton will love and forgive these people.

 

Patton’s heart is made of gold. He needs someone like Virgil, who’s heart is so heavy that it’s made of stone.   
  
“We’re going home. Come on.”  Patton takes the hand that’s offered, and he looks around at all the people, angry and dangerous people that don’t really even know why they’re angry. Patton raises his head, squeezes Virgil’s hand, and he  _ smiles  _ at them.

 

Maybe angels wear hair clips.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo all, I'm pretty proud of this one! Thanks to all of you for getting this far!
> 
> Just a heads up, I'm trying to end this book with either 30 chapters even or a little bit above. We're getting close! It's exciting to finally finish something for the first time!!  
> To people who care, after this book is complete I will be taking sandersides prompts, from within this universe or outside of it! If you think of anything let me know and I might fill the prompt after this book is completed! Send some my way :)
> 
> jmbuisness21@gmail.com
> 
> I love you all dearly :)

Roman’s skipping school.   
  
Okay, so it’s not like this isn’t something he does regularly, but Roman’s skipping school with Logan beside him, with Virgil cuddling with Patton in the backseat. They opted to all leave in the same car for emotional support, leaving Logan’s pickup truck in the school lot so Logan can at least keep up appearances to an extent.

 

Roman’s not sure how he hasn’t blown up yet.

 

He’s stuck in that kind of,  _ what the fuck, am I dreaming, can life actually suck this much, _ mind space as he focuses on the road ahead of him.

 

Patton's obedient.

 

Patton, his best friend for like  _ ever _ is obedient and Roman never even suspected it. At  _ all _ .

 

Of course, he shouldn't have reason to. Patton wouldn't lie.

  
  


_ But he  did,  didn't he?  _

 

Roman slams the tips of his fingers down on the steering wheel in a repetitive rhythm to a non-existent song. Logan, who has been gripping handle over the door for dear life since they pulled out of the high school (come on, Roman isn't _that_ bad of a driver), looks at him cautiously.

 

"You good?"

 

Roman shrugs, taking into consideration his friends in the back. "Yeah."

 

Logan raises his eyebrows back at him, but says nothing until they reach Patton's house...which apparently is  _ empty  _ because Patton's  _ father _ got  _ arrested _ !

  
  


It's so quiet, and in any other circumstance Roman would break the silence because the lack of things to say eat at him.

 

Or the lack of things to fill his head but his thoughts.

 

But Patton, sweet, poor Patton is tired and going through so much so Roman keep his mouth shut for at least a little bit. 

 

No. He can't be mad at Patton, nor his sweet Virgil, who is escorting him to his bed so he can tuck him in no doubt, but he can be mad at Logan. Smug-faced and stuck up Logan who's just looking at him with that stupid face. 

 

Roman's keys jingle as he sets then on the granite countertop, which finally causes the intellectual to blink and look away. It's just the two of them in the room. Logan sniffs and starts grappling with the coffee machine while Roman tries to think of the most hurtful thing he could say to Logan at the moment without actually...hurting him.

 

"Do you want some?" Logan asks quietly, quietly enough that the spluttering of the boiling water nearly overtakes him.

 

"No." Roman says automatically, leaning back on the opposite counter nonchalantly despite the fact that- yes, he  _ does _ want coffee but now it's too late to correct himself.

 

"Alright."

 

"Yep." Roman picks at his fingernails while Logan grabs two mugs out of Patton's cabinet.

 

The sound of 'the price is right' comes on faintly from another room, and Logan hums quietly. "Excellent choice."

 

"Why? Cause it has numbers?" Roman drawls, just  _ waiting _ for Logan to snap back at him because he  _ wants _ an argument. He craves it. Anything to fill this serenity that  _ shouldn't  _ exist right now. To pile his anger on somebody else, to scream and cry and watch Logan's steady expression break a little, to maybe for once people might feel bad for him because  _ he's _ been through a lot too and no one ever cares! 

 

No one- cares.

 

Logan shrugs, grinning softly. "I dunno, maybe. I just like it. Patton likes it too, so maybe that's why."

 

"Of course. You guys are so-"

 

What. Gross?

 

Are you  _ jealous _ Roman. Of them? Are you jealous of Patton and all of the attention he's been getting, that you've been  _ giving _ ?

 

"Cute."

 

"Thank you." Logan flashes his teeth at him and turns away. Roman looks down again.

 

Logan grabs two k-cups for the Keurig machine."Did you have anything else to say, Ro?"

 

"I'm really pissed at you." Roman says immediately. "So incredibly  _ pissed _ off I don't even know where to start."

 

"Yeah?" Logan pulls out the sugar bowl and goes searching for a spoon." Why?"

 

"Because you _ lied _ to me!"

 

"Patton lied to you, I just strategically avoided the truth."

 

"That's still a lie of attrition!"

 

"Omission." Logan corrects lightly.

 

"So I'm right?!"

 

Logan sighs, still facing away from Roman, who in turn growls slightly. “Look, specs…”

 

"It wasn't my  _ place _ , Roman." Logan interrupts sharply, stirring the coffee somewhat roughly.

 

“Were you ever going to tell me? Do I only know because everyone else does too?”   
  
Logan’s shoulders bob noncommittally and Roman’s blood boils. He knocks the nearest thing to him, a roll of paper towels, off of the counter with a violent swipe of his arm;  they bounce off the floor uselessly once and roll a few inches away.

 

“Huh, teach? How long have you known?”

 

“Not long.”   
  
“How long is “not long”?” Roman pounds his fist down on the last word, making the sugar bowl quake, “How _ long _ ?”   
  
“You’re acting like a child.” Logan turns to face him, calculated anger smoldering in the dark coals of his eyes. His gaze flickers down the hallway, and then back to Roman’s face- catching his eyes. “Keep it down.”

 

“You want me to KEEP it DOWN?”   
  
“Roman-” Logan cautions.    
  
“Is there something wrong with me?”   
  
“Roman.”

 

“I think there is, Logan there is something wrong with me. I’m going insane, Logan. I can’t- I’m literally-”   
  
“Calm down.” Logan reaches out to touch him but doesn’t, lingering a foot out of reach.    
  
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I need this! I need to- tell  _ someone _ \- and I’m so- I’m such a- I can’t get over this. I tried so hard to  _ not care _ and be a  _ good friend _ but I did this anyway didn’t I? I didn’t want to. I  _ don’t _ want to- I- there’s no reason for me to do  _ this _ . But I am. I can’t get over this shit, I can’t get over Virgil- everyone else seems fine so why am I the one breaking down?!”

 

Roman hadn’t realized he was yelling until he hears his voice echo back at him, bouncing off the high ceiling. Logan sucks in a breath, and Roman greedily scans his face for a hint of anything other than the easy coolness he always wears, but it doesn’t surface.

 

He smiles grimly instead, sending a shiver down his spine. “We aren’t fine, Roman. None of us are fine.”

 

“Then why do you always look so- okay?”   
  
“Good poker face.” Logan shrugs and turns away, back to his stupid coffee and away from Roman.   
  
Left with nothing else to say that he hasn’t already, Roman very tastefully mutters "I hate your face.”

 

"Do you?" Logan inquires mildly.

 

Roman sighs frustratedly. Of course not. "No.”

 

Logan turns on his heel, steps close to Roman and presses a cup of coffee into his hands. It’s warmth fills his fingers and quells his falling temper. Roman almost starts crying. “I-I told you I didn’t-”   
  
“You are simply being contrary again. Let’s sit down.” Logan pats Roman’s back very awkwardly on his way past him.

 

Roman follows Logan to the couch, and they sit at opposite ends. Roman stares at the mug in his hands, while Logan stares at him. He’s been doing that all day since Patton snapped at him.

  
  


_ Isn’t it obvious Roman? _

  
  


“Are you okay?”   
  
Is Roman okay? He’s not mad anymore he’s just- sad.

 

“I feel really  _ bad _ , Logan. Like- I don’t want to die but I want to disappear.”   
  
“Elaborate.”   
  
“You aren’t my therapist.”   
  
“I think you need one.”   
  
“I don’t!”   
  


“Okay.” Logan shrugs, looking out the window absently, like even now his mind isn’t in the room with him. 

 

“I’m just really  _ mad _ at myself. I’m- so- horrible, Logan! I’m horrible and I hate myself for doing this to you- yelling at you, but I keep doing it. I’m making a big deal out of nothing, whereas Patton’s life is ruined and he barely lets us see him cry! I’m pathetic. I’m pushing people away. I don’t want to do this anymore, be so untrusted that no one can tell me the truth. I-”   
  
“We’re running in circles here.” Logan points out, turning so Roman has his full attention, so in turn Logan commands Roman’s. “If you don’t like where your life is going then  _ change _ it. You have the luxury to be able to do that. Some people don’t.”   
  
He nods down the hallway, and Roman nods, sinking. Logan’s right. “When did you become so wise?”

 

Logan shrugs and the two fall into a strangely easy silence, drinking coffee and staring at a blank tv. To put anything on would be torture, and Roman thinks Logan must be on the same airwave. Too much on the brain.

 

They can’t speak, there’s nothing (or maybe everything) left to say, but the lurking unasked question continues to hover in the air above them.

 

_ What now? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my awesome beta reader Komodovaran, without her I'd definitely be lost :3
> 
> Remember to kudos and comment! Lets get this fic on the front pages! 👍🏻❤️


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all you lovely people!!! I have f-ing missed you all so much :) it's been crazy long and I apologize but hopefully you enjoy this next chapter!!
> 
> Thanks to my lovely beta-reader, Komodovaran, for their help on this chapter!!
> 
> And as always please drop a kudos and a comment to let me know what you think! They make my day like crazy :)

Patton wakes up abruptly, reaching for nothing in the space beside him. In a muted desperation, he withdraws his arm and clutches it back against his chest. 

 

He rolls over with a lamentable thump. The bright red digits on his analog clock greet him with their cruel light. 

 

9:32 pm.

 

Everything hurts, like Patton had run a marathon the night before. He hadn’t. Instead, he had made a series of bad decisions that lead to him being basically exposed in front of a group of people that hated him- and of course he ran away like always, only to mope around and fall asleep in the middle of the day, waxing  _ pathetic _ and matching Roman in dramatics. 

 

It’s not  _ that bad _ . People have had it way worse than him. Nothing even happened! He was only yelled at a little.

 

And his Dad is gone, but he had his time to grieve about that already. So why is he crying again?   
  
Stop crying. God. Little brat.

 

The door creaks and Patton stops.    
  
“Oh.” Logan utters quietly, making to close the door again.    
  
“Logan?” Patton inquires, propping himself up hopefully on the pillows surrounding him.

  
“I apologize, Patton, It was habit. I’ll take a guest room.” Logan calls through the door.   
  
“Wait! Why are you avoiding me? Did I do something?”   
  
“No.” Logan opens the door again partway, sticking his face through the crack. “I was-trying to give you space.”   
  
“Oh. Okay.”   
  
“Look… uh-” Logan bites his already chapped lip. “I’m sorry that this happened.”   
  
“How is any of this your fault?” Patton snaps, immediately cringing at how sharp his tone is. He softens it. “It isn’t. I promise.”   
  
“If I hadn’t let you go to school, none of this would have happened. I’m a shitty boyfriend, and I’m sorry.” Logan can’t meet Patton’s eyes, he instead looks at the doorknob, which he is jostling restlessly.  “I am.”   
  
“We made the decision together. It’s as much my fault as yours.”   
  
Logan nods. He stays at the door but stops playing with the doorknob.   
  
“Do you want me to stay?”’

 

Patton pauses. He wants to say yes, but he can’t help wanting to keep pushing away. He’s been getting used to playing with sharp words and he likes how easily it makes people back away. He likes that a well placed lash can debilitate the conversation so he can continue to be alone.   
  
But does he want to be alone? Something in him does, but the more dominant part of him only wants to cling to the people he has left as long as he has them. So he just quickly utters a “yes please” to his kneecaps.

 

“Okay.” Logan nods, sliding into the room quietly and closing the door behind him. He sits at the foot of the bed and stares at the opposite wall.   
  
“Are you okay?” Patton asks the back of Logan’s head. It shakes slightly. 

 

_ No. _

 

“I’m sorry.” Patton mutters.    
  
“Stop. Stop saying sorry.” Logan slams his hand down onto the bed next to him abruptly. 

 

Patton jumps, startled. “I’m sorry- I mean-”   
  
“It’s  _ my _ fault, not yours. None of this is your fault- it’s your dad’s and everyone around you and  _ mine _ . You didn’t ask to be like this! You didn’t ask your dad to make decisions for you! You didn’t ask for me to come in here with my intellectual bullshit but look at that, you can’t get rid of me even now.”   
  
“I don’t want you to go.” Patton assures softly, but Logan stands up again

 

“You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders, Patton. I hope you know that.”   
  
Patton makes a defensive noise. “Of course I know that.”   
  
“You’re allowed to be upset.” Logan cautiously informs the wall. Patton looks down again. “And angry. You can yell at us, and punch things if you want. You can cry. You aren’t responsible for us, you’re only responsible for  _ you _ ...but this whole time all you’ve been doing is looking after me-ugh- us. Before, when your dad- I was so  _ surprised _ when you snapped at me, when you were upset...and I shouldn’t have been! It’s normal to be upset about things like this. You need- before you think of us you need to think of you.”   
  


“Logan, I can’t stop, I need-” Patton starts, breaks off, and sits up further. “I want to take care of you.”

 

“Why?” Logan traces the lettering on Patton’s wall with his pinky finger. 

 

_ Believe in yourself. _

 

“Because I love you, silly!” Patton’s voice goes up an octave and even Patton can clearly see the transparency in his own lie. 

 

“I know.” Logan resigns, “ But why else?”   
  
Patton stays silent, sinking back down into his covers. Maybe he can fall asleep and Logan will leave him alone. 

 

Logan has turned back around now, but Patton can’t see his eyes due to the glare of the hall light bouncing off of his glasses, and the angle he stands above him.

 

"I don't like thinking about- bad things." Patton whispers, "And most things about me are bad. So I think about you instead. I take care of everyone so they can be happier than I am."

 

“Are you ever really happy or were you lying then too?!”   
  
“Logan!” Patton cries out, recoiling physically.

  
“I need to know.” Logan lowers his voice again, defending his own words to himself. 

 

“Of course I was! Mostly. I just- you know what you said about me being upset. I just- sometimes I’d be sad because of dad, or something- but you were always there to make me happy. Both of you.” Patton pauses, and then adds, “All of you.”   
  
“That’s good.” Logan nods. There’s a finality to his words but he stays far far out of Patton’s reach. “Um. Is there anything you need?”    
  
Logan gestures vaguely with his now removed glasses. Patton can see his eyes now, and he can see how they aren’t looking at him anymore. He wants to see Logan happy again, even if only for a minute.

 

So he knows what he has to do. 

 

“Mhmm.” Patton hums slyly, snuggling back down into his covers.    
  
“What?”   
  
“Tuck me in?” Patton asks sweetly, trying to catch Logan’s eyes.

 

He only grunts, quickly complying- roughly shoving Patton’s blanket around his body.   
  
Patton giggles.   
  
“What?”   
  
“Oh- nothing…” Patton shrugs the best he can and smiles at Logan widely.

 

“Right.” Logan finishes tucking Patton in, who’s still laughing.   
  
“What?” Logan asks again, a hint of laughter in his voice this time.

 

“Imma burrito.”   
  
Logan snorts, and Patton can’t hear him laughing, but he can see his shoulders shaking. Patton smiles for real.    
  
“The cutest burrito in the world.” A trembling hand pushes Patton’s curls back from his forehead. “Goodnight, honey bee.”

 

A pang goes through Patton’s chest and he realizes there’s nothing less he’d want to do is be alone for a night. “Wait- Lo Lo? Stay?”   
  
Not much deliberation is made before Logan concedes, worming his way under the covers with Patton. They kiss for a while, while Patton works off Logan’s tie. He gets it off and they kiss a while longer. It’s sweet and calming, and Patton eventually lets his head drop onto the pillow. Logan quietly kisses Patton’s forehead.   
  
“God, I love you.”   
  
Patton nods tiredly. “I know.”   
  
“Good.” Logan shifts slightly, and he goes to make a noise, closes his mouth and then tries again. “I think I want to home school you. Until we graduate...or until this blows over. I don’t know. But- I’ve been thinking about it and I think that-”   
  
“Shh.” Patton mumbles, stopping him in his figurative tracks. “Sounds great.”   
  
“Really?”   
  
Patton nods. “I think that’s a good idea. We aren’t that far now, are we?” 

Millennia. 

“Mmm.” Logan closes his eyes too. “We’re almost there.”

 

And Patton chose to believe him.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this draft for like a month but I'm a dumb idiot and havent posted it.
> 
> I'm back though! I might disappear again for 2 freaking months but that is NOT my goal haha.
> 
> WEVE MADE 400 KUDOS I LOVE YOU GUYS WITH ALLL MY HEART.
> 
> Let's make history, leave a kudos and a comment if you like this :3

………

 

Virgil, still uncomfortable being in a house that isn’t his, closes Patton’s door slowly behind him. There’s a warmth in his chest and around his shoulders, where Patton had been wrapped around him. It’s nice.    
  
Well, it would be nice, if it weren’t for the circumstances. 

 

Virgil cringes when the floor squeaks beneath his feet, pursing his lips and continuing against all of his weird irrational primal instincts. These are his friends. It’s fine. They like him. 

 

He emerges into the expansive living room, and it’s dead quiet. Roman’s on his phone, the blue light splashing over his features and making him look like a specter from a z-list horror movie. He has his arm draped around a snoozing Logan, glasses all askew and guard completely down. Virgil has never seen him like this. Sleeping? Sure. But even in sleep Logan is usually very formal, like he’s somehow constantly keeping his dignity in mind. Now, he’s smushed up against his friend and Roman’s just taken it in stride, like it’s something he’s seen before.    
  
It probably is. It seems like a crazy intimate moment, and Virgil doesn’t want to break it, but on the other hand he’s tired too.

 

He takes another step forward. Roman looks up lethargically. “Heyy, Virge.”

 

Logan snorts, blinking awake. “What?”   
  
“Good morning, nerd!”   
  
“Morning?”   
  
“No.” Roman flicks the side of Logan’s head. “It’s 9:24 at night, dumbass.”   
  
“Oh. Okay. I’m going to bed.” Logan sits up, stretching. His eyes focus on Virgil, and he smiles briefly. “Goodnight, V.”   
  
And he stumbles away, his glasses diagonal on his nose.   
  
“He’s exhausted- wow.” Virgil watches him go, kind of bewildered. Logan’s always been solid to Virgil. It’s surprising to him how something as trivial as Logan acting tired like a normal human being is so jarring to him.

 

Roman shrugs. “You haven’t seen him after finals.”   
  
Virgil makes an awkward noise and remains standing in the entrance to the hallway, the arches of his feet resting on the transition between the smooth hardwood and the carpeting.    
  
Maybe the feeling he gets here isn’t uncomfortable. It’s almost ethereal in Patton’s house. It’s a few degrees too cold, a few decibels too quiet, a bit too clean and open. It can’t be of this earth. It grounds Virgil, being in a different place than his house or school, and it makes him think clearer. The hum of Patton’s central air overtakes the room, making quietness bearable but conversation welcome. It’s nice.

 

Or maybe Virgil just likes the feeling of being in the proximity of the rich.

 

Roman cocks his head lazily, patting the couch next to him. Virgil takes the invitation happily, scurrying forward to carefully place 6 inches between the two of them.

 

“How’s Patton?”   
  
Virgil shrugs, pulling a blanket off of the back of the couch and wrapping it around him. “He was okay. Of course he was sad and stuff so he asked me to stay with him- so I did. We both fell asleep and I just woke up and came out here. I thought Logan might want to stay with Patton or something.”   
  
“Yeah, Probably.”   
  
Virgil’s very aware of Roman at the moment, and how he looks really really cute with messed up hair.

 

God almighty what the hell you have to stop.

 

Virgil desperately pushes the thoughts away and starts to close his eyes again, but Roman blurts something out just as he starts to drift off.   
  
“You didn’t hear anything, did you?”   
  
Virgil opens his eyes “Hear what?”   
  
Looking relieved, Roman waves a dismissive hand. “Oh. Nothing.”   
  
“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”   
  
“Well,” Roman pouts subtly, “It was.”   
  
Virgil shrugs. “Alright.”   
  
Roman starts to drift off, and everything that has been building up since Roman has been not-a-weirdo kind of overwhelms Virgil.   
  
He’s always thought that Roman was attractive, but his disgust for the way he was treating him kind of tainted that. Now that they’re friends kind of, Roman’s eyes have gotten kinder, face cuter, hair softer, and everything just more- complicated. 

 

It’s complicated. No matter how much he kind of not really maybe wants to be with Roman, there’s no ignoring how disgusted Virgil felt when Roman was touching him before.

 

It’s a deal breaker. It’s weird, to most, but it makes sense to him.

 

So he might as well tell Roman now so he can be let down easy, because he feels like the moment this night in this house is over, this feeling of calm may never come back. This strange catharsis may never return. 

 

“Ro?”   
  
“Mm?” Roman hums, his eyes still closed. 

 

“I have something to tell you.”

 

A few seconds skip by along with Virgil’s heavily beating heart.

 

“Right then.” Roman forces open his eyes. “Spill.”   
  
Virgil sits up, spinning his knees towards Roman’s. “I like you.”   
  
The words hang in the air for a moment in which Roman is still processing exactly what Virgil just said. The smaller boy’s heart is beating 120 mph, tingling his fingertips and keeping his whole body alert. Roman appears barely awake.

 

“Wait.” He holds up a hand. “Legit?”   
  
Virgil nods. “Yes. But-”

 

Roman blinks slowly like a drunk man. “Woahh.”   
  
“Roman-”   
  
“Seriously?” Roman interrupts, fidgeting, pulling the blanket off of his arms and leaning forwards,. “Like, for real?”

 

“Roman, please listen to-”   
  
“Because I’d given up!” Roman utters, smiling widely- then his face falls and he backtracks. “Well not  _ really _ , but-”   
  
“Listen to me!”   
  
“But now I don’t have to wait anymore! Virgil- I-”   
  
“Stop!” Virgil screeches. He cringes at the word that came out of his own mouth. It’s shrill and desperate and that’s  _ not _ what he wants to be anymore. “Please.”   
  
“Um-” Roman falls off of his sleepy high quickly, “Okay?”   
  
“Listen, please  _ please _ listen to me. You never listen.” Virgil begs quietly, dreading what comes next...the real ‘hard part’.

 

“You’re right.” Roman nods sensibly. Virgil gets a sense that Roman is simply humoring him at times like this. Virgil knows that the taller man does truly like him, but Virgil knows he will never completely understand why Virgil is so… touchy. “I don’t. I’m sorry. What’s up?”   
  
“Well. There’s something else.” Virgil lets the statement dangle for a few seconds, in which Roman just looks mildly uncomfortable.    
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“Yup.”

 

The serenity of before is replaced with a sort of desperation. It fills the air. Roman breathes it out and Virgil breathes it in.

 

“What is it?”

 

“It’s kind of a deal breaker!” Virgil mutters with awkward jazz hands, that he proceeds to hit his thighs with. “Ugh.”   
  
“Have you killed someone?” Roman grumbles, appearing sort of amused.

 

“No?”   
  
“Then it’s okay, then. Right?”   
  
“No! I-” Rip off the band-aid, dude. It’s okay. “I won’t ever have sex with you?” Virgil presents the fact as a question.

 

His face is burning. Even saying the word makes Virgil feel sort of dirty. He knows he doesn’t have a reason to feel that way, he just does. He’s just afraid Roman won’t understand, or think that  _ he’s  _ gross, or weird and Virgil already knows that he won’t want to be with him, but at least they could be friends. 

 

“Yo, I’m not bad.”   
  
Virgil cringes. He officially wants to be anywhere else that isn’t here.   
  
“No, no- It’s not you I just- I think I’m asexual. Or something. I don’t really know? I did some googling and stuff, but it might just be a trauma thing and- you know I just mean to say that if  _ that’s  _ what you want you probably won’t get it from me, like ever.”

 

Roman pauses for a split second, turning his head away slightly. “Oh, well-”

 

Virgil cuts him off anxiously- “ But I think Jeremy Dennis likes you. From drama? And I’m sure he’s like- not bad- either... And like a  _ bunch  _ of girls like you too-”   
  
“Virgil, I don’t-”   
  
“Yeah, yeah It’s cool. I knew you’d say no--”   
  
“I- think you misunderstand, I-”   
  
Roman tries to speak over Virgil’s stream of thoughts that seem to spill out of his brain without much control, but Virgil continues despite it- “It’s not like I  _ love _ you or anything, you barely know me---”   
  
“Virgil, listen to me,  _ now _ .”   
  
Virgil’s mouth snaps shut, and he bites his lip as a sort of self inflicted punishment. 

 

Roman’s eyes widen almost comically, and he visibly backtracks once again. “Sorry. Would you like to continue?”   
  
“No.” Virgil pouts, feeling red spread across his face for what he was just rambling about, what he just said and did. This can change everything. 

  
But everything’s ruined anyways, so why not?

 

“So...no like- kissing. Or anything?”   
  
“I don’t really know? Maybe. That doesn’t really gross me out that much, I guess.”   
  
“Okay.” Roman stares at Virgil unabashedly, tilting his head. Virgil shrinks under the gaze.   
  
“Uh- what?”   
  
“God, you’re beautiful.”   
  
Virgil smiles despite himself. “Says you.”   
  
Roman sighs, beaming.   
  
“You’re scaring me a little. “

 

“Sorry.” Roman looks away, grinning.   
  
“So- like- are you okay with it?” Virgil asks quietly.

 

“Yes.” Roman shrugs, and it looks like he wants to say more but he doesn’t. He just opens his mouth, ever so slightly, closes it and smiles again.

 

“Okay.” Virgil leans forward- reaching out and taking Roman’s hand on a whim. Its warm and Virgil stares at it. Roman smirks and pulls on his arm so Virgil falls into his embrace. He doesn’t mind.   
  
He doesn’t mind at  _ all _ , which is wonderfully freeing.

  
They fall asleep there in seconds- and for the very least a single night- everything was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any mistakes I'm on mobile rn cause school doesnt let me on ao3 oop.
> 
> We are in the early twenty pages of most kudos works in the sanders sides fandom and that's insane! Let's get it higherrr


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey we're getting to the end I love you guys and I thought I'd capitalize on Thomas putting out a SS related video lol.
> 
> Literally, thank you to everyone. A huge thanks to everyone whos been here from the beginning and everyone who's binge read this because they've just found it, and like dude. I can't believe we've got this big. 419 people have enjoyed this enough to like it, and 4000 something people have at least clicked on the title. 
> 
> Its so crazy :0
> 
>  
> 
> This is a short one, a setup.

Months Later:  
  
Patton sets foot in the school for the first time in months, and Virgil watches it. He watches the toe of his sneaker tap the tile flooring, and then the other.

 

It’s not monumental, or scary, it’s the quiet hours of the morning and no one sees it.

  
Only Virgil.

 

Patton, as far as Virgil knows, is happy again. He smiles a lot, until he remembers something shitty or he thinks that no one’s looking. But happy.

 

They’re all almost out of here, anyway. They’re about to leave him, go somewhere else better, and he’s going to keep wandering these same toxic halls without anyone there to protect him. Well- Virgil doesn’t think he could get rid of Roman even if he wanted to…

 

But there’s an irrefutable fact that he will no longer be a prisoner of the public school system while Virgil will be. 

 

The fact that he’s going to be alone again almost drowns him as he watches Patton and Logan (always one entity, from the beginning to the end, fused at the sides) quite literally walk away from him and towards the Auditorium. 

 

Beautifully metaphoric, or nothing at all? Virgil can’t decide.

 

He’s broken out of his strange trance by a hand on his lower back that makes Virgil jump away from the touch. Roman, with his hair tied back in a little bun at the nape of his neck, tilts his head. “You good? You look a little lost.”  
  
Virgil watches the hand that had startled him retreat into Roman’s hoodie pocket.

  
Relationships are weird, and Virgil in a relationship is even weirder. Everyday is stressful(but wasn't it always?), but on the other hand that horrible feeling of not being cared for is eradicated. Roman is always there. Virgil could clap his hands twice and his boyfriend would be there with a sprite and a hot towel. Not literally, obviously, but the intention is there. Roman makes it abundantly clear that anything Virgil needed of him, he would provide without question. It is nice.

 

It’s nice, but Virgil feels inadequate most of the time because he can’t exactly return most of the things that Roman does for him. Virgil needs constant protection now, and Roman (and Logan) help out with that by walking him to class and scaring people away. What can Virgil do in return? Nothing. Virgil has anxiety and fluctuating boundaries that Roman is mostly respectful of. Because of that respect, Roman probably never really gets what he wants from him. Virgil _does_ try to do things for Roman,  but he feels like whatever he offers is barely enough. 

“V?” Roman asks again, softly, ~~condescendingly~~. “Are you okay?”   
  
Virgil shakes his head to clear it of everything and nods, sneaking forward and pressing a chaste kiss to Roman’s lips. That always diverts his attention. Roman hums and smiles. 

 

He turns away from him immediately to clear his face of anything but good so Roman doesn’t ask anymore questions. He allows Roman to hold his hand on the remainder of the journey down the hallway. 

 

It’s closing night for Roman’s show. Virgil has already seen him perform his dream role three times, but every time is a treat. He is a phenomenal actor, and it’s fun to watch him work on stage. Virgil can tell he’s really happy up there, and that makes him happy too.   
  
This night will be great because Patton’s finally decided that he felt okay enough to come see the show, and that’s amazing because Patton makes everything fun. Patton makes bad things good and good things better.

 

Virgil leaves Roman to go get maked-up and costumed and retreats to the light booth with Logan and Patton. 

 

It’s strange. His life has changed so much in just a half-a-year. Stranger still, he can’t settle into it. He feels like a bigger change is on the horizon and that it’s stalking him like a dead leaf blowing in the wind- waiting for the right moment to pounce. 

 

Virgil rolls his favorite office chair to the board and tries to ignore the sound of kissing in the corner.  
  
They’ve always been touchy but lately Logan’s been surrounding Patton like if he touches a molecule that isn’t Logan then he might explode. It would be sort of cute if it wasn’t so annoying. And whenever they’re all hanging out together and anything cute and romantic-like is going on in the nerd-i-verse (Roman’s word not his) Roman kinda just looks at him and Virgil feels incredibly not good about that. Sometimes Virgil just lets Roman hold him to his chest so he doesn’t have to look into his eyes. 

 

He stares at the stage. Once at three in the morning when Virgil was sleeping over at Roman’s house, Virgil was on an air mattress on the floor and Roman was on the couch. They stopped sleeping in Roman’s room because Roman’s brother was tired of Roman talking to Virgil (even after he’d fallen asleep) into the early hours of the morning. Anyway, once Roman was talking about the theater.

* * *

 _"Have you ever felt like everything just fell into place for you? Like, a single moment that just screams at you that everything is finally_ right _?"_

_Virgil, with his back turned to Roman, stared at the wall and shook his head. He knew Roman wasn't looking for an answer anyway. He plowed on and Virgil tried not to concentrate on the blinking red numbers on the digital clock._

_"Like, today during practice we all laid down in the middle of the stage and didn't talk. It was to build ensemble or whatever, but I was thinking more about everything that'd happened there just while I've been at school. It's been used for so many moments of expression, acting, singing- whatever. But it means something to so many people, and so many people before we got there. You know?"  
  
Virgil nodded even though Roman probably wasn't even looking at him, trying to stay warm under the thin quilt he was provided with. His feet stick out the end. He tries to quietly maneuver the blanket so he can be completely covered.  _

_"I just feel- like I have a connection with so many people because we've all shared the same stage with the same goal. To make a damn good show. You know? I belong somewhere. It's so nice. Everything is just so perfect. Isn't it?"  
  
"Yep." Virgil finally let his voice sound, though he was lying. To speak, to lie. Lying and hiding is what connected him to his people. The clock flashed 3:09._

* * *

That night stuck with Virgil, because that’s the opposite of what he feels all of the time. He hasn’t found his stage, or his connection- because people like him don’t have many places to connect in strength. It made him think about how he’s still reeling, even when he has people supporting him. He’s alone, mostly, because Patton isn’t the same and his mom has given up and Roman will never be able to understand and Logan shouldn’t have to.   
  
He wants his connection. He wants to make a difference.

 

But he can’t. 

 

Virgil jumps when a pair of arms encircle him from behind, but it’s only Patton. “How you feeling kiddo?”  
  
Virgil leans his head back into Patton’s chest. “Great. What about you?”   
  
“I’m excited! Only two hours til the show starts! I just know that Roman’s going to be wonderful.”   
  
Patton slightly kisses Virgil’s head and claims the spinny chair in between Virgil and Logan. 

 

He pivots back and forth while talking about how excited he is, while Logan reads through his queues (again).

  
“Oh, this is going to be so good!”

Logan grunts, closing his queue book. "Damn right."  
  
Virgil is proud to tell Patton that they have the best seat in the house: he tries to ignore the growing dread in his heart to enjoy it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos and a comment if you liked it!! Philosophical Virgil is best Virgil.


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